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Old 01-07-2009, 08:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubber
my straw
was broken
by a camel's back

your jaw
hit the floor
and didn't come back
you rhymed "back" with "back"
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Old 01-07-2009, 09:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
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I am aware.

edit: I intend to edit this, is what I mean. I already have the melody stuck in my head so it's gonna get finished one way or another.
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Old 01-11-2009, 01:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
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fix'd. sort of.
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Old 01-26-2009, 09:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
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Default where I'll post everything from now on

because it's better to keep this **** contained.
P.S. any feedback would be nice
1 a storm, a hole
A crooked rapier of light
Thrust down at the horizon
Left sonic races
To ripple outward
Shaking my eardrums
I sat motionless
Rooted in place
As it was pulled back
Into the black tufts
By a cuff-linked hand

And all hell broke loose
The earth was sucked down
Into the wound
But the looks on our faces
Were of wild excitement
And excruciating pleasure
Arm hair standing
Antenna straight
Receiving messages
From a brand new world

In the abyss we were limitless

2 ramble
my half smile coddles
your naked words
bristling with sincerity.
my bear hugs transform
me into a pincushion.
but that's okay.

just please promise me you
won't let them play taps
at my funeral.
for one, I'm not a soldier.
for two, I don't even like that song.

make it something that
captures what I see
dripping out of every pore
of the trees.
of the earth.
of your skin.
flowing out in tendrils of
translucent gold
toward the sky.
are they marionette strings
or pirate flags?

because I want it to be
relevant to the present
since neither the past
nor future
really exist.

I tried to write in strange
patterns to get you to
think differently.
to see what I see.
It didn't work but
I continued out of spite.

3 you, i don't like you
an absolutely sickening knot
took residence in my gut
when I saw you flip-flop that diamond across your knuckles
who are you to be so careless with something so precious?

I.
don't.
forget.

I want to slash it, tear it, bite it
not you, but the idea of you
someone who stands on such a small pedestal
and mistakes the ground for the sky
but gets away with it because the fault becomes endearing

you are you, I am me, he is he, she is she
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Last edited by Rubber; 01-28-2009 at 01:05 PM.
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Old 01-28-2009, 01:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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badump. new.
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Old 02-04-2009, 08:46 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default song, spectrum

maybe I'll get some feedback this time?

spectrum
Let me show you my true colors. x3
Let me show you what lies between these colors.

Oh twisted spectrum
Let's go and get some
More of what we wanted

Oh twisted spectrum
Let's go and give some
More of what we flaunted

Cause I'm quite the angel
And at the right angle
You can see my halo glimmer
And I hope that you're a swimmer

Cause by now you're waist deep
In all that **** I tried to keep
Buried down
But it filled the town, but it filled the town

The liquid rainbow in all your favorite shades of brown

Oh let me show you
All of these ugly colors
Yeah I'll make 'em rhyme and keep in time
But it's all the same **** underneath

Studder step
Studder step
Please don't hesitate again

Oh twisted spectrum
Just help me catch them
All the demons in my sleep
And all the ones I've yet to meet

Flutter step
Flutter step
Lift me up and fly me out
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Last edited by Rubber; 02-05-2009 at 02:43 PM.
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Old 02-05-2009, 12:16 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Somehow, I don't think this song is complete without adding the line "taste the rainbow".

I rather liked the middle, but I think the very start needs to be redone.
Using the word colors twice, doesn't go well for me. I try to never use the same words twice in succession, unless it's almost impossible not to.

Branching off from the "swimmer" line into "waist deep", was good. I like lyrics that are formed around general topics and tell stories.
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Old 02-05-2009, 02:41 PM   #18 (permalink)
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The beginning is actually supposed to be a repeated thing with the second line being said once at the end, I don't know if that changes your opinion of it. I need to start marking those kinds of things.
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Old 02-05-2009, 08:54 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I liked the transition with the swimmer - I think the start needs a little work though, it feels awkward when I speak it.
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:00 PM   #20 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
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Default Protect Yourself

I don't get out much anymore
I stay home
alone
watching
windows

And I've been sleeping on the floor
I don't know
how to
escape
death throes

They said: Son, you're a threat to society
Take a seat, let me teach you
the value of propriety

They said: Son, the world is cruel and dangerous
Protect yourself, curl your fingers
this is how you make a fist

It's been getting harder and harder to say hello
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Last edited by Rubber; 03-09-2009 at 07:25 PM.
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