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Old 03-02-2009, 01:22 PM   #21 (permalink)
Souls of Sound Sailors
 
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The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.
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Old 03-02-2009, 01:25 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).
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Old 03-03-2009, 08:22 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Neat, but I thought that the thread was about contraceptives (judging from your username as well).
haha that's pretty funny =)
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The second line doesn't make much sense. Grammar is an important aspect in regaurds to the meaning of your poem, comma's should be used very sparingly. Pauses are better done with line breaks. Instead of saying "they said" you could write it from their perspective, to better set a scene. The diction could be better too. Try using words that metaphorically speaking could only mean exactly what you want to say and that have a connotation that reflects the overall feeling or mood. I'd suggest some revision.
I think you're right about the line breaks, I hesitated to go on a line break spree. I think I will try to revise this too.
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Old 03-06-2009, 05:29 PM   #24 (permalink)
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i like how the poem makes you feel the how you are alienated from the rest of the world, as if what everyone else does does not apply to your own life. interesting perspective on how to see the world
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Old 03-19-2009, 01:59 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Laying down

It's happening
the weight of it percolates through my skull
with all the elegance of a cheese grater
the sting lingers
bleaching my bones
which by now are being held together with red ribbons
rattling and swaying in the wind
it happens all the time

I'm on my back after the fact
and the sky weaves through itself
playing dancer
to a tune I can't seem to hear
over the cacophony
of breathing walls
blinking eyes
and final heart beats
(the exclamation point at the end of each passing)
all simultaneous
all endless
the art is lost on me
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Old 03-19-2009, 10:36 PM   #26 (permalink)
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This is good.
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Old 03-20-2009, 01:00 PM   #27 (permalink)
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thank you
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:13 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Hot Fuzz

Hot fuzz grows from the pores
Of my wood paneled walls.
Sustained by the same stale air
That now sits stagnant in my lungs.
It has been over saturated
With repeated phrases.
Miscarriages of soliloquies
And inward promises.

As evidenced by my blood flushed face,
To breath again is but a pipe dream.
Instead I sit wishing on stars unseen,
Waiting for the color to drain from my pupils.
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Last edited by Rubber; 03-22-2009 at 11:48 AM.
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Old 03-22-2009, 11:24 AM   #29 (permalink)
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This was by far one of the best things I've ever read in here. I'd consider changing the title though because the first thing it makes me think of is the movie of the same name.
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A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

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25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die


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Old 03-22-2009, 11:49 AM   #30 (permalink)
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thanks that means a lot
I completely forgot about that movie until after I named it haha.
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