Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-22-2009, 11:54 AM   #31 (permalink)
VICTORY SCREEEEEEECH
 
Antonio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Are you a cop?
Posts: 3,341
Default

yea i thought this was gonna be about the movie haha

but yes it's a very good writing
__________________
Been making some new music lately, check it out

My MB Journal-I talk about music and stuff!

add me on Steam!
http://steamcommunity.com/id/commandercool

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr dave
isn't this one of the main reasons for this entire site?

what's next? a thread made specifically to banter about music?
Antonio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-22-2009, 12:41 PM   #32 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
Rubber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Novi
Posts: 401
Default

Hm...doesn't look like I can change the name. Oh well.
__________________
and we stayed, sixteen.
Rubber is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-24-2009, 08:37 PM   #33 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
Rubber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Novi
Posts: 401
Default Punch

The shadows of weeds emerge
from cracks in the sidewalk to
chew my shoe laces.

You land butterfly kisses on my knuckles
just
before the punch
That displaces air like
jigsaw magic.
It greets the surface
with meteoric customs.

Listen to yourself, your howls.

Root-spread nerve endings
sing the joyous
chorus of pain
to your brain.
The world turns through a skew
ed time funnel,
Distorted through a lens
Perforated with blind spots.
In hind sight, hind sight is a luxury.
__________________
and we stayed, sixteen.

Last edited by Rubber; 03-24-2009 at 08:53 PM.
Rubber is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2009, 06:36 PM   #34 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 160
Default

if i may; why did you separate "skewed" into two different lines?
__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.
darkcornerinthecloset is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-26-2009, 08:42 PM   #35 (permalink)
sidewalks
 
Rubber's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Novi
Posts: 401
Default

just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed.
__________________
and we stayed, sixteen.
Rubber is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2009, 06:47 AM   #36 (permalink)
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 160
Default

ohh. if you think of it like that it makes more sense
__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.
darkcornerinthecloset is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-29-2009, 11:39 AM   #37 (permalink)
Souls of Sound Sailors
 
Schizotypic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Mojave
Posts: 755
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubber View Post
just a stylistic thing I felt like trying out. skewing the word skewed.
Yeah, concret poetry is cool sometimes (where you create a concept by physically doing something to your poem, like making it in the shape of a tree). Not really my favorite device personally, but I can appreciate it.

I can't tell, or didn't spend enough time, figuring what the work as a whole means and was only able to pick-up bits and pieces. But I like the feeling of some of the imagery, it seems raw. "Root-spread nerve endings" That's painful to hear, for example. Unless you purposefully fluctuated the mood of your poem and I'm missing it because I missed the meaning, my advice would be to try and keep that raw mood throughout the work.

Overall, decent work though. Better then I thought it would be, maybe I'll read over some more of yours but I am sort of staped for time lately. But again, really liking some of the raw imagery.
Schizotypic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-31-2009, 07:11 PM   #38 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Nation's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 40
Default

Great concept, but it doesn't really flow, and it doesn't make sense.
I'd like to see you write some stuff that has more of a rhythm people can pick up on, or else a short story or limerick.

Your a good writer though.
__________________
My music channel

Nation's the name, Music is my game.
Nation is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2009, 12:05 PM   #39 (permalink)
333
Music Addict
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 956
Default

I think it has great flow and imagery. The story is a little vague. I'm having a hard time deciphering whether it is an emotional or physical punch. There are times, though, when explaining yourself fully is unnecessary because the beautiful thing about art is that it is fluid. No one will completely empathize or know your true feelings behind this piece, but you. No matter how much you explain it to us, most of us will correlate the words that you say and emotions you express with our own personal life.
333 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-03-2009, 08:33 PM   #40 (permalink)
Groupie
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Broom
Posts: 1
Default

i really enjoy it. =]
muzic explorerz is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



© 2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.