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Old 05-13-2009, 02:14 AM   #31 (permalink)
Partying on the inside
 
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I dunno...
This doesn't really seem like much more than a person verbalizing their thoughts during a boring movie.
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Old 05-13-2009, 12:07 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Lightbulb if you want me to, new song

i wrote this song about this girl i met a few weeks ago...enjoy!
If you want me to
If you believe the way we are is the way we are meant to be
Then come to me and see where this road may lead
Cuz I could love you, I would love you, I will love you…
But only if you want me to.

I’ve only heard rumours ’bout you..
But hey, my pockets are already full with my gifts for you
They say you like guys like me…already I feel I know you right through
I want to come see you, but its ok if you don’t want me to

I’m always thinking about you, I’ve been awake all day
wondering what it would be like if we were dating
I would follow you round the world ‘bout a million times
Cuz I cant get you out of my mind, but only if you want to
(but only if you want me to, cant get you out of my mind)

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…
And my who…is you.

We could run away leave this world behind
See the stars, watch the moon-shine - on your face, by my side
There’s something changing inside me, and I bet its changing inside you too
I love you, I love you, I love you but only if you want me to


I know I drove into your life so quickly but I don’t mind but I need a minute to think what to do next
I keep thinking bout you I’ve dreamin’ bout you but I still cant keep my mind off you
I keep waiting on you, I keep talking bout you.
I just cant keep you out of my mind, cant keep you out of my mind (out of my mind, out of my mind)

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…

I know you through fate
My life has been awakened by my love for you
This feels like a brand new slate
You and I, we should go out tonight
Cuz I feel like you, lost in the moment, need a clue?
The worlds so big, its not easy to choose who is right
But sometimes it just clicks and you can see just who…
And my who…is you.

Hey look at me, I’m the guy who’s jumpin’ off the walls for you
Most guys think I’m mad to be doing this for some girl I don’t even know
But I know they just wanna be where I am
But I wont be here if you don’t want me to
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:52 PM   #33 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
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My most important note to you is to keep it simple. Your adding more words than are necessarily needed. Change some simple phrases into one word (it could be simple or complex). I would also recommend you change the audience from your girl to the audience. Always keep in mind that the Audience is the one your singing to and you should only narrow it if you are really desperate for this girl and you need the audience to hear it. Otherwise, you should keep it purely story-telling.

I would also try some rhyming techniques like Internal Rhyming (I'm the Man Who Loves You- Wilco), Assonance (Tenuousness- Andrew Bird), Consonance (Let it Be- The Beatles) and consider using some more allusions (Jon Foreman's songs are littered with em')

Another recommendation is that you should use a specific pattern. Like in Iron & Wine's "Upward Over the Mountain", he starts off with 'mother' in every line of the verse.

Greatfully, you've got a base, now start ironing it out. Here's a link that helped me alot first time: folksong.org.nz/composing. (I can't post links yet ) It starts off slow, but it should help you out allot.

peace,
-nick
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:05 PM   #34 (permalink)
snickers
 
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Sounds like you're stalking her.
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Old 05-13-2009, 10:24 PM   #35 (permalink)
Mate, Spawn & Die
 
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Two threads about the same song merged.
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Old 05-14-2009, 11:39 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I like it as a pop song, kind of like beach boys western pop or fleet foxes.

Yah, it does. What's the meaning?
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Old 05-16-2009, 06:23 AM   #37 (permalink)
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hippy, your threads have been merged into one.

Read : http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html

Send me or another mod a PM with a link to this thread if you want us to change the name.
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