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Old 05-20-2009, 04:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
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Updated madman's war
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Here's another one that was just me messin' around with some funny stories that have happened to me mixted with some allusions towards other artists (like the small room big room pattern is used by Jack White in one of his songs). I bring you:

Dyin’ in the Slums of Queens

Try livin’ your life in a little room
nothing there but a little bed and broom
when you get to a larger room
you miss your little bed and and even smaller broom

Try makin’ a smile towards a little lady
cringing back she calls you a little shady
your friend tells you that she’s his lady
so you’ve just proved that your his matey!

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens

Try livin’ your life in an endless dream
you wake up again in the same old theme
it's not as hard as it seems, at least to scream
when you find yourself listenin' to my low esteem

Try arguing with your little boss
always forcing you to work at your own cost
when you get to a larger boss
you kinda miss the old boss that’s not nearly quite as cross

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens

Your sittin’ in a bar til the tender asks you
“have you eva heard the deadly killa yellow flu?”
You say “No I haven’t, but I won’t pursue
by drinkin’ your repulsive, rotten, foul brew”

It’s called dyin’ in the slums of queens
no one knows what it’s like to be me

The rythm on this one has been hammered out pretty relentlessly, so any recommended changes must fall within the same syllable count.
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Old 05-21-2009, 11:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Very good (sorry i couldn't give one of your long smart responses)
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Old 05-22-2009, 10:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stone Birds View Post
Very good (sorry i couldn't give one of your long smart responses)
If I were to ask for any critique, it would be on which lines seem cliché
, or just don't flow to you.
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I feel obligated to give critique back so...

I think that many of these songs come off as too informal. I know that will sound weird but I don't feel like I am reading the lyrics to a song. Also, for your last one, rhyming in the excess can get very dreary. I think you are walking on a slippery slope when you talk to directly to someone, can come off as amazing or not.

Quote:
In fact, his definition of
wrong could be wrong simply
by virtue of the fact thereof
that defining morals isn’t free
You also seem to write your songs as sentences and then tweak them. I can't tell if they come out good, but I think it is very hard to make it flow and fit it into the music.

cheers
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Old 05-23-2009, 08:50 AM   #16 (permalink)
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haha, that one was certainly an expiriment. I did write that as s straight up expiriment. I never really felt any emotional connection to the song because it's downright messy in every resepect.

Quote:
Also, for your last one, rhyming in the excess can get very dreary
really? I'll see what I can do to change that. It was a difficult song, and while I still think it has some good ideas, I don't think it will look anything like that in the end. Thanks for pointing that out.

peace,
-nick
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Old 05-23-2009, 09:02 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Time for a new one. Right now this is just a bunch of verses or stanzas-whatever you wanna call them. I'll be stinking a chorus to it soon and shaving off some unnecessary verses, so most critiques should be around the metaphors right now.

I know this grounds been walked on
finden yourself is hard
My worth is already gone
singin' songs like a drunken bard

Tryin' to find new pockets
for me to stuff my hands
amid trinkets; a locket
with a picture of the sand

tried lookin' under benches
I might be hiding there
among the tools and wrenches
awkardly, they stare

love was just too much for me
germs are not my friends
my acquaintances got married
4 kids and 7 hens

I turned to the sounds of nature
-I turned the machine down
it was just a damn noisemaker
made too much extra sound

Beat up ben at age 5'
he teased me just the same
fighting never kept me alive
it came off as too lame

If God is not my answer
on the table with which we dined
staring at a lantern
will leave your blue eyes blind

Clichés are very boring
and they into your skin
it's the bug with which I'm warring
and I don't think I can win

In the bustle I am sitting
could you call me out by name
at the table I am writing
could you write down all my shame

I'll leave my life and blind lies
before it goes up in smoke
I'm nothing but a lord of highs
living in a comfy yoke



Thanks for reading.
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Old 05-25-2009, 10:45 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Makes me think of someone who's living on the streets. its very good, what genre?
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Old 05-25-2009, 01:04 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Folk/Americana. Think more complex melodies over simple chord progressions with a sort of Nick Drake aesthetic. I suppose I should start posting mp3s of my songs with each post.
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Old 05-25-2009, 06:13 PM   #20 (permalink)
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You don't have to do it with each post, just a few so people can understand what kinda music style you are (and because they might like it)
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