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Old 05-15-2009, 08:52 AM   #1 (permalink)
Trigger Happy Catalyst
 
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Default polyphonic's Songwriting Journal

SIXX

Well maybe I'm the one who needs to bleed
feeding fuel to the fire to see if I can still breathe, like a test
I'll give you muthafukas chance to see
what is real or not, a solid glimpse of reality
so tired of wasting all my time on this, on you
complacent waiting while you make yourself completely see thru

all aside of the lies and the places in time
sometimes we all wish we would die
end this fu*#ing head trip
while you fake all the lines
got a little surprise, a little something for you this tyme
I don't need this bulls*#t
think I'm just gonna stand around while you prepare for the next round?
another little throw down
end this f*#king head trip
while I measure the sides
a little twisted reprise and I don't even want to know why
I don't need this bulls*#t

Maybe you...lied.

Last edited by polyphonic; 05-16-2009 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 05-15-2009, 09:13 AM   #2 (permalink)
Trigger Happy Catalyst
 
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Default Sensory Overload

SENSORY OVERLOAD

you seem pretentious when your lips move
money's enough to keep you sane on the inside
feeling the fall, I know your craving the fall
I feel disgusted when your lips move
butter 'em up to keep you rollin on the good side
building a wall, I know you're craving the fall
but I don't relate to bulls*#t
or listen blindly to your ignorance
nothing at...at all, I know your craving the fall

this life is a cold machine that'll push you on down the blood stained highway
fall victim to these chains you could just lay down but it wont be my way
there's an endless question here of integrity and we're all to blame
what I'm trying to say is you're all the same

but I know attention is gone, like you cared in the first place
attention is gone, chalked it up to "life sucks buy a helmet"
attention is gone, what the f*#k are you living for anyway?
shutting down, block it out, can't you see that's how we lose?
Sensory Overload.

you seem pretentious when your lips move
money's enough to keep you sane on the inside
feeling the fall, I know your craving the fall
I feel disgusted when your lips move
butter 'em up to keep you rollin on the good side
building a wall, I know you're craving the fall
but I don't relate to bulls*#t
or listen blindly to your ignorance
nothing at...at all, I know your craving the fall

overload...sensory overload
like you cared in the first place
overload...sensory overload
but you can't have me
overload...sensory overload

but I know attention is gone, like you cared in the first place
attention is gone, chalked it up to "life sucks buy a helmet"
attention is gone, what the f*#k are you living for anyway?
shutting down, block it out, can't you see that's how we lose?
Sensory Overload.

Last edited by polyphonic; 05-16-2009 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 05-16-2009, 06:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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polyphonics, your threads have been merged into one.

Read : http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html

Send me or another mod a PM with a link to this thread if you want us to change the name.
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Old 05-17-2009, 12:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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wow these are actually very good. keep it up man
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Old 05-20-2009, 04:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Darkest Light

How do I sustain these chains that bind my pain
while these demons inside flow like fire through my veins?
I once saw love, but they stained it with hate
now the pain brings me comfort but leaves a bad taste

the strength in my madness
blood in my tears and the source of my sadness
if given he chance I don't think you could grasp this
for one second I wish you could have this
to see what I see
to glimpse within me
to drink from the cup that hold this disease

I knew the pressure point
chose you to prove my point,we do
all night, if everything I say is right
with everything you do
but I know the emptiness won't last my whole life
just thought I'd try to prove...

This sounds worse than it is but I've never felt better as a death trend setter
I walk the path I've chosen
wanna leave this world cause you know you deserve it? Blow your brains out
decrease the population
intrinsic, the sickness, it's only a matter of time
intrigued by your bold slithering

the darkest light intrigued by bold slithering
the dark light intrigued by the bold slither

don't have to feel a thing you waste of space
just close your eyes
and I'll sing you another f*#king lullaby
don't have to feel a thing you waste of space
go ahead and die
this is how we really feel inside
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Old 05-20-2009, 04:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Only thing that is bothering me is your syllable count and rhythm. Unless you've got specific parts in your songs that are modified to fit this scheme, you have to go through and count out the syllables and make sure they are even from verse to verse. When doing that, also consider stress points (syllables in the poems that seem to standout). Make sure you could say this as a standalone poem.

Also, whenever you rhyme, you have to rhyme all the way through a verse. You, every once in a while, throw in lines that just don't rhyme or have much flow.

They are great songs, interesting meanings, and there are some clevar metaphors and similes that you use. What often enough makes (even hard rock and death metal songs) more interesting is when you use more standard poetry techniques like assonance, consonance, alliteration, straight up couplets etc.

I know you probably listen to System of a Down, so, go print out lyrics by SoD and just sit down and read them sometime. They are probably the best lyricists among the legions of metal bands. It's also good to look up their song meanings. Like there's one about the Tineman Square Riot -- and even "I killed Rock n' Roll" is a great example of solid poetry.

Keep workin' on it. You display the right amount of edge amoung your songs. Enough to create a mood and not enough to just shock you (shock poetry does not amuse me).

peace,
-nick
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Old 05-20-2009, 05:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Cool

Thanx for taking the time to check it out, man. So far these are songs that are done; I guess without hearing the music they may not make sense in parts. The parts with more syllables make for good places to "spit" lyrics in an almost rapping fashion while less would probably be a more drawn out screaming and\or sining style vocal line... I'm all about the meanings of songs and lyrics, SOAD has had many great songs about politics and current events. If that's the kind of thing that you're in to, I recomend "As the Palices Burn", by Lamb of God. I will keep your thoughts in mind for new writings, thanx again.
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Last edited by polyphonic; 05-20-2009 at 07:45 PM. Reason: expansion of thoughts
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Old 05-20-2009, 08:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
Trigger Happy Catalyst
 
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Default Playing God

playing god with everything you do
such a shame to waste a life like this
playing god, everything you...

blessed are those who look away
we've been betrayed, we've been betrayed
truth is a poem, a blind mans dream
a song that no one f*#king plays
inherit the path of the wicked
it's meant to hold you down

you're living in a blind mans dream
rowing your boat upstream
and you don't even know it
you're dying so unclean
rolling in plastic, demeaning
I can't pretend anymore
I'm drawing my lines and keeping a score
you're dying so unclean
you're living in a blind mans dream
rowing your boat upstream
and you don't even know it
you're dying so unclean

pull away the string
open your eyes see reality
sick inside
sick while you slither so casually
don't mind
obviously you're all dead inside

I'll play god
break my trust and I'll bury you
I'll play god
dropping out wasting lives like you always do
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Old 05-20-2009, 09:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So many sad songs...

You play with cliches a lot, and sometimes you twist them to the point where it is ok, but try to find ways to say things in your own words. Also, when read in succession these songs all seem to mean the same thing. Try looking for different inspiration.
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Old 05-21-2009, 11:54 AM   #10 (permalink)
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You should rename it to something a little more... subtle.
maybe "Blind Man's Dream"?
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