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Old 07-11-2009, 12:55 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Hi, Nicktarist,
I've been reading through your lyrics/poems and would like to share a few suggestions for "Madman's War," although perhaps you've already worked out solutions to the occasional inconsistent stresses.

First, though, I want to say that I understand the challenge you undertake when you have a rhyme scheme into which you are fitting the concept of a piece, since this added constraint makes it much harder to write a poem (I feel)! Since I enjoy rhyming, it is especially fun for me to read the work of other people who like rhyming, too.

I will print my suggestions in bold and in parentheses beneath your actual lines.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist View Post
Here's another in a more standard form --Limerick, I bring you:

note: I changed the poem up due to the fact that I got actual critiques about the inconsistant rythm. More changes are obviously necessary because some lines simply don't flow, even with an even syllable count. The stresses aren't consistant enough, in other words.

Madman's War (working title)

long hours a day, we’d work in the bay (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap (6)
waking the hours that dragged on the floor (10)

a soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
bantering about a man and his war (10)
(and bantered about a man and his war.)
wringing his hands (4)
(He wrung his hands)
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
he then went insane and sank to the floor (10)
(then, going insane, he sank to the shore)

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning (10)
they will find you (4)
(you will be found)
(know this) single taboo (6)
(and you'll die on this ground)
stirring the dust; the wake of his warring (10)

To our dismay, his augury was right
(To our vast dismay, his prescience was right)
when we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
I already knew to leave before (10)
(for I already knew to leave before)

I didn’t hear much about that dark day (10)
(I never heard much about that dark day)
I decided to come back years later (10)
great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
to show that leaving proved me a traitor (10)
(showed me leaving had proved me a traitor)

If only my family could see me now (10)
I had grown up allot in fourteen years (10)
(I have grown up a lot in fourteen years)
I have regrets (4)
(for my) lamenting debts (6)
(still lamenting my debts)
to the ones who died because of my fears (10)

peace,
-nick
So, here would be my revised version:

Long hours a day, we’d work in the bay, (10)
fishing the sea ‘till the sea said no more, (10)
payed by a chap (4)
(in a) very tall cap, (6)
waking the hours that dragged on the floor. (10)

A soldier appeared from the haze n’ fog (10)
and bantered about a man and his war.
He wrung his hands
(like he) knew all the plans (6)
then, going insane, he sank to the shore.

He woke the next day, he woke with a fright, (10)
left in the morning with a forewarning: (10)
you will be found
and you'll die on this ground,
stirring the dust, the wake of his warring. (10)

To our vast dismay his prescience was right.
When we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
for I already knew to leave before.

I never heard much about that dark day.
I decided to come back years later. (10)
Great destruction (4)
(of my) own volition (6)
showed me leaving had proved me a traitor.

If only my family could see me now. (10)
I have grown up a lot in fourteen years.
I have regrets, (4)
still lamenting my debts
to the ones who died because of my fears. (10)

Two questions I have are about word meanings. What do you mean precisely when you say the war is "indicative?" When you write, "I always regress," do you mean "I always retreat?" It wasn't clear to me what was meant exactly by those two parts of the poem.

I hope this helps!
--Erica
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Old 07-11-2009, 03:36 PM   #22 (permalink)
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There's some nice rephrasing there. I thank you for your critique--however, we threw the lyrics out. I'll get you another song to thuroughly critique....sometime...in the distant future.
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Old 07-11-2009, 04:01 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist View Post
There's some nice rephrasing there. I thank you for your critique--however, we threw the lyrics out. I'll get you another song to thuroughly critique....sometime...in the distant future.
Ah, well, win some, lose some! You are welcome, though, anyway. It was fun to think about someone else's lyrics rather than my own for a while. When you mention "we," who are part of your we, and do you work on your lyrics together? --Erica
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Old 07-11-2009, 10:30 PM   #24 (permalink)
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My older brother. I asked him to tag along because he adds a nice wieght to my music.
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 07-12-2009, 04:15 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist View Post
My older brother. I asked him to tag along because he adds a nice wieght to my music.
That's nice that you can work as a team making music. I am always impressed when people create music together, especially lyrics, since in my experience two different people can have two very different visions for where they'd like a song to go!
--Erica
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Old 07-29-2009, 06:29 PM   #26 (permalink)
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haven't written in a while--so I thought I should warm up a bit before I went back and rewrote some songs, and started new ones.

I was searching through some torn papers
finding old songs of sin, doubt, n' hate
running along the floor like vapours
in an effort to avoid their fate

I haven't written for a long time
though if you bottle it up inside
it will come back up spouting new rhyms
driving your pen for a quick joy ride

but there are things I should be doing
cleaning my room, or reading that book
though I'd like to indulge a little:
thanks for giving my lyrics a look

feel free to rip it to shreds.

peace out,
-nick
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 07-29-2009, 10:58 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist View Post
haven't written in a while--so I thought I should warm up a bit before I went back and rewrote some songs, and started new ones.

I was searching through some torn papers
finding old songs of sin, doubt, n' hate
running along the floor like vapours
in an effort to avoid their fate

I haven't written for a long time
though if you bottle it up inside
it will come back up spouting new rhyms
driving your pen for a quick joy ride

but there are things I should be doing
cleaning my room, or reading that book
though I'd like to indulge a little:
thanks for giving my lyrics a look

feel free to rip it to shreds.

peace out,
-nick

Sorry dude, but that one particular line just sounds kinda awkward to me. I dunno, man. Otherwise though, it was pretty decent!
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Old 07-30-2009, 12:33 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Quote:
Driving your pen for a quick joy ride...
yeah, that doesn't sound right. Let's see.

What rhymes with 'ide'... Lied, fried, hide, confide, died, outside, snide

Quote:
the paper being their place to hide?
or
Quote:
I'm sorry, in the last line, I lied?
or
Quote:
I like my Burger King™ french Fries Fried?
xD
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Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 07-30-2009, 01:14 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Go with the third one! Third one! Nah, but you did fix that up pretty good man, great job.
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Old 08-04-2009, 02:00 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Eh, It's still terrible, but after a couple of rewrites, I think it's ready to be torn apart.

Do you sometimes feel
like the sky is kinda falling
your friends aren't really real
Crawling in the prize ring

Is there a single guide
that tells you how to move
the train off it's side
and back into the groove

Is your life like a test?
that for now you've failed
at least you can rest
while the train is derailed

You have nothing to fear
nothing to doubt
nothing to fear
nothing at all

It's just a feeling
just a feeling

peace,
-nick
__________________
Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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