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Old 08-08-2009, 01:18 PM   #31 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
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I had a friend with no hat and no shoes
I asked him if "there was somewhere to go to"
her replied "not until someone gives me some food"
"for now I'll sit 'til the night sky is due"

--some more practice... my poetry seems more and more generic everyday.
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:22 PM   #32 (permalink)
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I didn't ask for the -isms of perfection
or the (layers upon layers) of ill-conceived contention
I just wanted you to drop the mask for a (single) second
but you've let yourself along as a force to be reckoned

Oh your not real, but an illusion to me now
fading through the hallways (always) singing [so] loud
your a contradiction of everything I thought I knew
It angers me in a way that your the favorite few

Do you really care about the things that you so advocate?
Or is there power in the robe that dictate's
your a contradiction of everything I thought I knew
I'll take off the mask because I'm hiding something too

I detest you because I'm afraid it's in me
(what) travels like a sickly disease
Why do I have to prove myself to you
I think you hate me because your afraid it's got you too.

grrr. I need to start taking my own advice.
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 08-08-2009, 01:29 PM   #33 (permalink)
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This one is unfinished (as there are some stanzas to be written before and after this). I don't want to finish it and find that something foundational in the song is wrong.

The story itself was inspired by Persig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance when he wrote about a man who had no access to his own senses until he would be 18 (hypothetically of course)--he used this in his defense of Immanuel Kant's a priori concept. I simply decided to pull that concept and tell a story about it. I also pulled the name 'Estelle' from Great Expectations (yes I'm reading the book right now---or I probably could be...)

---In his mind he made a world
based of the things he knew
only he could walk and talk
as things unfurled,
he could love another too

As to who she was
he was never quite certain
but he thought give her a name
---"Estelle" from the fuzz
as helifted her chin
"Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame"

He composed himself neatly
(hiding the gap in his leg)
as it was his life's fee
it's one we will all pay
so that we can stay
inside the yoke of an egg

yes, he knew there was more
a world of it's own
a dimension of a differant understanding
---but he was locked behind a door
a golden doorknob it shown
a spaceship parked on a landing

He said one day
"I'll open that door"
"If it's that last thing I do"
"I know I should stay"
"But I'm restless for more"
"The ship is way past due"

Folk like--and as someone said earlier in this thread, very nursery rhyme like. Unfortunately, that's one cage I'll never be able to escape.
(Now, I'll ask again)
are there any strange lines or foundational problems?

peace,
-nick
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Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 08-10-2009, 10:31 AM   #34 (permalink)
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K, i just read through all your lyrics and there are a few things that stand out consistantly.
#1- please take the time to read through the lyrics you just typed before you hit the "post" button. There are several instances where I wasnt really sure what you meant because of a typo (at least i think they were typos...) I think we could all take this advice...me included
#2- the rhymes... I love your rhyming/writing style, but as we got a chance to see, making a list of rhyming words and making lines out of them doesn't exactly make for a consice subject.

As to who she was
he was never quite certain
but he thought give her a name
---"Estelle" from the fuzz
as helifted her chin
"Why do you cry, there's nothing to shame"


This is an example. You built the first 3 lines well, but then, in an effort to rhyme, you kind of butchered the rythem and line of thought. I understand "fuzz" to be refering to a fuzz of conciousness perhaps? But then, the reference to the chin makes me think she has a fuzzy chin (like a peach lol).

Then, in the last line you force another rhyme. Shame certianly rhymes with name, and it fits with the concept, but you're using it as an infinitive when its a noun or a common verb. Poetry can play with structure to an extent, but not that much. You do that several times in your other poems too, but you'll have to find them yourself, I'm not good enough at using MB.com to do it efficiantly.

You also use a lot of "big words" at the end of lines, another indicator of forced rhyming. I'm not saying to avoid these words, but be careful not to use them just to get the rhyme you want or just for the sake of using them. If they are out of context (which they may or may not be) it confuses the meaning of the song and makes it seem a little brainy...something the average listener cannot even begin to connect with. It is however refreshing seeing someone use these words at all, so keep up the good work.


My favorite lyrics by far were "Something, Nevermind". It had a few rough spots just reading it out, but I'm sure set to music they virtually disappear. The concept was original, playful with a morbid background, good rhyme scheme, and just repetitive enough to define it from an intellectual poem. I'm not sure you should restrict yourself to the style you're used to writing. You do well with the nursery rhyme style...maybe embrace that a bit more in your subject matter. Jonney Cash is great, but he's him and not you.
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Old 08-10-2009, 08:26 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Quote:
I love your rhyming/writing style, but as we got a chance to see, making a list of rhyming words and making lines out of them doesn't exactly make for a consice subject.
suprisingly, that's how I wrote my older songs--this particular song sort of flowed, and when said to my rhythm there's not a single word out of place (this due to the fact that it somehow turns into a Limerick. That's definately my fault; however, and, when I post the finished song itself, I'll see about it's consistancy.

Quote:
You also use a lot of "big words" at the end of lines, another indicator of forced rhyming.
It feels forced to you? I honestly haven't opened up a thesaraus for a poem in months (as my only thesaraus is on the computer, but I write it out with pen). That's sort of become my own dialouge. But, if it feels forced, I'll stick to smaller words.

Quote:
My favorite lyrics by far were "Something, Nevermind". It had a few rough spots just reading it out, but I'm sure set to music they virtually disappear. The concept was original, playful with a morbid background, good rhyme scheme, and just repetitive enough to define it from an intellectual poem. I'm not sure you should restrict yourself to the style you're used to writing. You do well with the nursery rhyme style...maybe embrace that a bit more in your subject matter. Jonney Cash is great, but he's him and not you.
You really enjoyed that song? That was the most fun to write because I wasn't sticking to anyone else's model and it carried out a specific idea I had like I liked. (not to mention I wrote it based on what came out of my mouth) Nobody commented on it, so I assumed nobody really cared about it. I'll try and expand the model itself a bit--just write a bit more in that mindset.

thank you greatly for the comment, you don't know how much it means to me.

peace,
-nick
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Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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Old 08-10-2009, 11:14 PM   #36 (permalink)
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no problem! I didn't mean to say that the use of more sophisticated vocabulary takes away from the poem, because it doesn't. What I meant is that in a few instances, they do seem forced.

These are examples of when you used it well:

Quote:
I didn't ask for the -isms of perfection
or the (layers upon layers) of ill-conceived contention
Quote:
Do you really care about the things that you so advocate?
Or is there power in the robe that dictate's
These...not so much in my mind, whether they seem just like they are trying too hard or whether it sounds forced. Remember tho, this is just one opinion!

Quote:
To our dismay, his augury was right
when we found his cold indicative war
they soon reached us (4)
(but i) always regress (6)
I already knew to leave before
Quote:
So, If I can’t demarcate right
why does it feel right to define
what is wrong? Why is there height
on the right walls of malign
(Demarcate was a good choice, but malign is an adj. not a noun so..mmno)

Im not sure if you can get the difference...or if there really is a defined rule that we can apply, mostly its all just subjective.


If you wouldn't mind bopping over to my thread, i'd really love some advice.
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Last edited by VeggieLover; 08-11-2009 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 08-11-2009, 08:11 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Nicktarist, do you have anything recorded?
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Old 08-11-2009, 07:41 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Quote:
If you wouldn't mind bopping over to my thread, i'd really love some advice.
I would love to, your comments have been quite helpful.

Quote:
Nicktarist, do you have anything recorded?
well, unfortunately, I don't (I do, but nothing I want to show you) xD. I've been trying to make my way around a slightly used 4-track at the local U. So far, the most I've recorded are covers of 70s tunes with my baby bro. It's been quite fun, I must say.

peace,
-nick
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It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
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