primo's Songwriting Thread

[primo]

Hey! lol I can't think of a second verse for now, but here's the first verse and chorus..
Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!

I feel suffocated
I long for independence
Responsible for me
Not for anybody else
Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Self-defeatin’ safety
Intoxicatin’ barrier

that question re-iter-ates
what’s the meaning of life?
cos now there’s only dreams
no hope of substance

I try-to look up,
But the glare hurts my eyes
Can’t bloom or spread my wings
Until they release,
Release and let me fly

[primo]

Lol I've noticed that this sub-forum doesn't really talk much about R&B/Hip-Hop beats, but I thought I would post this just to see if there was anybody interested.
It's all i've done so far, but you get an idea of the beat..
Any feedback would be appreciated!
LISTEN: zSHARE - ill.mp3

[lucifer_sam]

While it's evident you've made some contribution to the forum this certainly isn't the venue to share it with us.

Merging this (and all your other material) into one thread. Please try to keep it there.

http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...e-posting.html

[primo]

Originally Posted by VEGANGELICA

Hi Primo,

The portion of the song you have written creates an interesting situation that I'd like to see resolved in the rest of the song. The singer appears to feel ambivalence about the person s/he is infatuated with. Will the singer remain ambivalent or not? The last three lines, "If you...throw yourself/Then darling, I won't catch you before you fall," make me wonder if the rest of the song will show the singer getting to know him/herself better enough to be able to love and feel the drive that might bring this couple together. Or, will the writer stand by aloof, even if the girl/woman were to fall for him? This, at least, is how I interpret the song.

I like the line, "bite my lip," because it suggests some inner turmoil reflected in a physical motion.

You introduce the idea of the relationship "equation" in the second verse, then leave that idea hanging. I'd like to see it resurface in the rest of the song somehow. When you mention the equation, I want to learn more about how the two individuals *do* relate. I don't feel the song is about unrequited love but more yearning and wrestling with feelings of restraint and desire. Saying that you won't catch someone who is falling is intriguingly harsh, and doesn't seem to mesh with the infatuation expressed in the first stanza, so I wonder what is going on between the two people.



When you write, "but know that I will grow stronger," is this addressed to the woman or is the writer addressing herself/himself?

Finally, the line "just can't see who I'm looking for" confuses me somewhat, because I felt the writer was interested in the woman described in the song. You have introduced lots of unanswered questions in the first section of your song! I'll be interested to see how you deal with them in the rest of the song.

--Erica

Wow.. thanks for your thorough analysis! I really value that sort of feedback.
As you said, the song is about yearning and wrestling with feelings of restraint and desire, but not so much for a specific girl. I guess the narrator’s ambivalence lies in how he feels inept of experiencing love with anybody, but is still yearning to feel what love is.
So the "see her, then with him" is about recognising love (seeing a random girl who he can sort of relate with (being single) only to see she's got a partner) which provokes the singer’s thoughts on his lack of love; he thinks about how he’s alone and has no love interest so basically pities himself. So the “darling I won’t catch you” line is sort of like a warning to any interested girls to leave him alone and not bother chasing, as he feels he can’t reciprocate.
The “Wanna fell how you’d touch me,when I touch you, intimiacy” isn’t referring to a specific girl, but wanting to feeling what love is. So the “just can’t see who i’m looking for” explains that he doesn’t know who that girl is, if there is one.
“don’t know which part’a the equation I am, but know that I will grow, stronger, when I know who I am” is addressed to the singer himself; the solution of the “equation” is love, but he doesn’t know what part he plays, what part of the problem (feeling incapable of love) he is, but has some hope that he will change.. Which sort of contradicts the tone of the chorus, I guess.. lol basically the verse is the narrator thinking to himself, and the chorus is the cry to a girl who might’ve spoken of her love for him.
I didn't realise how much of a mess this song is – for its relative simplicity the lyrics shouldn’t be so inarticulate.. LOL I guess that's what a bad lyrics are. But atleast i'm learning, so thanks all of you again! Did I clarify what i'm trying to communicate though?

[primo]

I was reading through the lyrics of a Morrissey song "That's how people grow up".. It pretty much expresses the same sentiment of my lyrics.

That's How People Grow Up - Morrissey
I was wasting my time
Trying to fall in love
Disappointment came to me and
Booted me and bruised and hurt me

But that's how people grow up
That's how people grow up

I was wasting my time
Looking for love
Someone must look at me and
See their sunlit dream
I was wasting my time
Praying for love
For a love that never comes
From someone who does not exist

And that's how people grow up
That's how people grow up

Let me live
Before I die
No not me
Not I

I was wasting my life
Always thinking about myself
Someone on their deathbed said
There are other sorrows too

I was driving my car
I crashed and broke my spine
So yes there are things worse in life than
Never being someone's sweetie

That's how people grow up
That's how people grow up

That's how people grow up
That's how people grow up

As for me I'm okay
For now anyway

[primo]

This is an alternative/rock song. When I sing this to myself the melodies/instrumental of Kasabian's 'Julia And The Mothman' come to mind. I'd give the YouTube link but don't want it to be misunderstood as advertising..
Anyway, any feedback, constructive criticism is greatly valued!
If you want me to check out one of your songs, leave a link to your thread and i'll try to get back to you soon.


Anchor (Cut Off)

Cloaked in layers of negative energy,
You heart is heard or seen by nobody,
Your third eye – impaired by trauma
Sees the world as only flat,
Insidiously scaffolded by stories,
You’re beguiled (cheated/deceived/hypnotised) by fantasists,
Too sure that they feed you control,
But your firm grasp severs your hand (leavin’ you jaded)

Gotta feel like i’m gettin better,
Branching‘away from any dead roots,
You need to realise.. I’ve realised
You’re another anchor dragging me down,
So i cut off,
Cut off,
Cut off,
Cos you’re another anchor dragging me down

I know that you don’t even know the half of it
bubbles boiling at the surface of the water
Iceberg of a problem
Don’t want to lose other links when i gain the loss of you but..

Gotta feel like i’m gettin better,
Branching‘away from any dead roots,
You need to realise.. I’ve realised
You’re another anchor dragging me down,
So i cut off,
Cut off,
Cut off,
Cos you’re another anchor dragging me down

[t3hplatyz0rz]

Originally Posted by primo

This is an alternative/rock song. When I sing this to myself the melodies/instrumental of Kasabian's 'Julia And The Mothman' come to mind. I'd give the YouTube link but don't want it to be misunderstood as advertising..
Anyway, any feedback, constructive criticism is greatly valued!
If you want me to check out one of your songs, leave a link to your thread and i'll try to get back to you soon.

Just in general, if you think of the melody of your song as being the same as another song is not a good thing.

Originally Posted by primo

Anchor (Cut Off)

Cloaked in layers of negative energy,
You heart is heard or seen by nobody,
Your third eye – impaired by trauma
Sees the world as only flat,
Insidiously scaffolded by stories,
You’re beguiled (cheated/deceived/hypnotised) by fantasists,
Too sure that they feed you control,
But your firm grasp severs your hand (leavin’ you jaded)

I don't think that beguiled should be a vocab word. It's not that complicated of a word. Hierophant. That should be a vocab word. But not beguiled.

Originally Posted by primo

Gotta feel like i’m gettin better,
Branching‘away from any dead roots,
You need to realise.. I’ve realised
You’re another anchor dragging me down,
So i cut off,
Cut off,
Cut off,
Cos you’re another anchor dragging me down

I know that you don’t even know the half of it
bubbles boiling at the surface of the water
Iceberg of a problem
Don’t want to lose other links when i gain the loss of you but..

Gotta feel like i’m gettin better,
Branching‘away from any dead roots,
You need to realise.. I’ve realised
You’re another anchor dragging me down,
So i cut off,
Cut off,
Cut off,
Cos you’re another anchor dragging me down

Okay... I liked your beginning a lot. About, you know, the third eye and all that. Because I thought it was going to go in a very different direction. I thought it was going to end up very psychedelic, a song about spiritual cleansing. And it didn't. That's very good! If everything goes the way you think it does, life is boring.
On the other hand, once you get into the chorus the first time, it's only four bars until it happens again. Maybe you should space it out a bit with an instrumental. Or whatever.
Also, just random, but I used to think that "beginning" and "beginnin'" were the same, but they're not. One rhymes with "one wing", the other rhymes with "one win".

[primo]

Originally Posted by t3hplatyz0rz

Just in general, if you think of the melody of your song as being the same as another song is not a good thing.

lol yeh i know..

Originally Posted by t3hplatyz0rz

I don't think that beguiled should be a vocab word. It's not that complicated of a word. Hierophant. That should be a vocab word. But not beguiled.

Sorry I don't quite understand what you mean? I just put cheated/deceived/hypnotised because I just wanted to know what ppl thought would sound better..

But otherwise are you saying the main problem is that second verse is too short? I left it short cos I had nothing else to really express but I guess the song might sound a bit repetitive.

Originally Posted by t3hplatyz0rz

Also, just random, but I used to think that "beginning" and "beginnin'" were the same, but they're not. One rhymes with "one wing", the other rhymes with "one win".

I see what you mean, but I think it's just a case of one rhyming better, not that they don't rhyme at all - it depends on what part of the word you emphasize.

[t3hplatyz0rz]

Originally Posted by primo

Sorry I don't quite understand what you mean? I just put cheated/deceived/hypnotised because I just wanted to know what ppl thought would sound better..

OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!
That makes so much more sense!
I thought that you put it to explain what beguiled meant~!!!
Sorry about that.
And, personally, I like beguiled.

[primo]

I just wrote one verse for a song.. What do you make of it?

My soul’s gateways are shut closed
Easier for the prying to control my hopes
Swerving the line I walk - a mess of dominoes
From pure beginnings, to this tainted growth

An escalator ascends, but not without gears
Viciously cycling by revisiting the years
The system isn't broken, but I feel it won’t last
Blocking lingering problems of an impressing past

Before I continue it, I also want to know, do my lyrics sound like pretentious, verbose tosh with the metaphors and all?? I feel like I overdo it with my lyrics, but then I don't know how to make them simple AND original - any tips?