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Old 07-16-2010, 05:10 PM   #111 (permalink)
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I got something. It's not that great, but atleast it's something. Not sure if they're both verses or a verse and a chorus yet.

Bitch slapping her heart
And French kissing your pleasures
Your lives, a castle of infinity
Burned down by physical obscenities

If you could see yourself
Through all the red and black
You'd try to save yourself
And you'd never look back
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Old 07-19-2010, 06:41 PM   #112 (permalink)
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Truth be told, the truth will set you free.
But perpendicular lies converge...
And they will never leave you be.
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Old 07-24-2010, 11:49 PM   #113 (permalink)
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What continues to hold me here?
I will leave, that’s what I’ve said
But after I’m done running the truth still lies near

What continues to hold me here?
Maybe it’s my feet, maybe my head
Conscience driven by delusion and fear
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:22 PM   #114 (permalink)
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LEECHES

VERSE 1:
If you were alive
You would reject this disease
You’d fight with everything
Fight with everything you’ve got

CHORUS:
Something need be done
Before these leeches run
All along the surface
Dig into your skin
To steal this blood
That is not yours alone
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Old 07-30-2010, 01:35 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Huzzah! 3,000+ views. tyvm.
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Old 07-30-2010, 04:38 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sljslj View Post
I got something. It's not that great, but atleast it's something. Not sure if they're both verses or a verse and a chorus yet.

Bitch slapping her heart
And French kissing your pleasures
Your lives, a castle of infinity
Burned down by physical obscenities

If you could see yourself
Through all the red and black
You'd try to save yourself
And you'd never look back
The second chunk o' lyrics(PARAGRAPH/STANZA 2) would not be bad at all for a chorus.
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Old 08-02-2010, 05:38 PM   #117 (permalink)
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My only issue with that part is how utterly cliche it is, that's what I hate more than anything else with my writing.
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:09 PM   #118 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sljslj View Post
My only issue with that part is how utterly cliche it is, that's what I hate more than anything else with my writing.
You have a good point, but I'm just saying it carries the message of the song better. A better way to phrase it is that it is more to the point. But you are right in the fact that it sounds clichéd.
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Old 08-09-2010, 05:04 AM   #119 (permalink)
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Another few lines that I can't make go anywhere. UGH!!

Today is the day…
Again
But it won’t be the same…
Descend

Boy, you better believe me, I’m coming for you
And I’ll hit you a thousand times before…
You hit the floor

You don’t believe me ‘cause you haven’t a clue
Of what I’m capable, of what I’ve done
And I’m coming for you
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Old 08-09-2010, 11:48 AM   #120 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sljslj View Post
Another few lines that I can't make go anywhere. UGH!!

Today is the day…
Again
But it won’t be the same…
Descend

Boy, you better believe me, I’m coming for you
And I’ll hit you a thousand times before…
You hit the floor

You don’t believe me ‘cause you haven’t a clue
Of what I’m capable, of what I’ve done
And I’m coming for you
Sounds like you are feeling a tiny bit aggressive today, Sljslj!

I like the "you haven't a clue of what I'm capable of, of what I've done," but I felt the "hit you a thousand times" sounds too made-up, too theatrical to me. If this is a revenge song, then I recommend making it is realistic as you can, because that will make it creepier.

You say "I'm coming for you" twice, once in a verse (?) and once in the chorus (?). Have you considered just using it in one but not both of those locations, so that it sounds more ominous? When you repeat "I'm coming for you, I'm coming for you" it starts to sound to me like all talk and no action.
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