minkaloo

Hi, I'm new to the website and as the title says, I appreciate any critique you may give me for my lyrics and any advice given are welcome since I want to improve my skills in lyrics writing anyway here goes, the song is called "Lights Out"

(Verse)
What a mess
What a mistake I've made
for always thinking you felt the same
Oh what a shame
to be honest I'd rather be alone
than take your awful tone
don't want to hurt anymore
don't want to expect anymore

(Pre-chorus)
When did we drift apart?
Weren't we there from the start?
Well I'm not so sure
But I now know that for sure that the

(Chorus)
Lights are out
In our young hearts
The feelings we have is now dead and gone
So I guess this will be goodbye
Let's move on with our lives
Because the love we had is gone
Lights out

This isn't complete yet but I want to see if I'm making good progress with the song. Thank you for taking the time to read this

Circus Horse

I would change this bit of the middle eight

"When did we drift apart?
Weren't we there from the start?"

To

"When did we drift apart?
Or has it been like this from the start?"

Apart from that it's pretty good. Well done!

Circus Horse

And when you win an Ivor Novello, don't forget to mention me.

minkaloo

ngaww thanks for the things you said just had the crappiest afternoon and this made my day thank you so much, I'll take on the lyric change as well sounds so much better :3

Circus Horse

No problem!

drh1589

I'd personally change this second line to "But now I know [that] for sure that the..." and consider taking the first "that" out. I sang through most of these lyrics on an improvised melody and found that made it flow better to me, in addition to Circus Horse's suggestion.


Otherwise, I loved it!

__________________
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

minkaloo

thanks for the suggestion I shall use it makes more sense to be honest XD and yeah thank you guys for giving me suggestions, very helpful! I'm going to finish the song soon, hopefully you guys will still like it after I am done with it

Goddess of Life

(Verse)
What a mess
What a mistake I've made
for always thinking you felt the same
Oh what a shame
to be honest I'd rather be alone
than take your awful tone
don't want to hurt anymore
don't want to expect anymore

On the verse, I think it would sound better if you said "than hear your awful tone" when I sang through it, I found that it flowed better.

(Pre-chorus)
When did we drift apart?
Weren't we there from the start?
Well I'm not so sure
But I now know that for sure that the

With the pre- chorus, I think you should switch the know and now around, so it'd read "But I know now.." and perhaps take out the second "that"? So it could be "But I know now for sure that the." Also, I agree with Circus Horse on the second line.

(Chorus)
Lights are out
In our young hearts
The feelings we have is now dead and gone
So I guess this will be goodbye
Let's move on with our lives
Because the love we had is gone
Lights out

For the chorus, it'd flow better if it were "The feelings we have are now dead and gone"


I really like the concepts of this song and apart from the few critiques I left you with, it sounds like you're off to a great start. Keep up the good work!