The Official Joke Thread

[Janszoon]

Originally Posted by Stephen

Halt! Hugo's there.

*groan*

I think that joke is very dependent on one's accent.

[Jabonator]

What's the difference between a red Ferrari and a dead baby?

-I don't have red Ferrari in my garage.

[Sansa Stark]

Originally Posted by Jabonator

What's the difference between a red Ferrari and a dead baby?

-I don't have red Ferrari in my garage.

lmao that's so wrong

[Saurus]

Originally Posted by Neapolitan

Is it why "can't you bear" or "why can't you hear?"

'hear.' whoops. edited it right now

[Justthefacts]

A child molester and a little boy walk into the woods and it's getting darker and scarier the farther they go, and the little boy goes "Gee sir, it's getting really scary"' and the child molester says "you think you're scared, I have to walk out of here alone".

[The Batlord]

Why'd the little boy drop his ice cream in the middle of the street?

-Cause he got hit by a bus


What's red but smells like blue paint?

-Red paint.


Why did the old lady put skates on her wheel chair?

-She had dementia.

[Joekie]

A piece of string walks into a bar and immediately upon entering the barkeeper yells at him: "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here!"
The string walks out and ruffs himself up a bit. After that he enters the bar again. The bartender looks at him and asks: "Wait, aren't you that string from earlier?"
The string shakes his head and tells the bartender: "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

Two hunters go out hunting one day, and one hunter accidentally shoots the other!
So the hunter calls 911. "I shot my friend, we was out huntin' and he's dead!"
The operator replies "Okay sir, I need you to calm down. Now first we need to make sure your friend is dead."
So the hunter goes over and shoots his friend again. Then he says to the operator "Okay, now what?"

It's black and if it falls from a tree, your stove is broken.

- your stove.

[Plankton]

Some people are like Slinkys... not much fun until you push them down the stairs.

[Cuthbert]

- When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate & cream and stick a cherry on top of my head. Life was tough in the gateaux.

- A man was in bed with his Japanese girlfriend, when he happened to remark that her fanny was getting a bit baggy... she lost it and screamed, "You always CLITTYSIZING!!"

-I found a stack of my old porn mags in the loft, looking through them there was a massive spunk stain in one. I thought, "that's a blast from the past".

- Just watching African Nations Cup, Ethiopian fans singing "Who ate all the flies".

- Paddy and Murphy are on the cruise ship Costa Concordia. Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight." Murphy says, "Everyone will be watching the band." Paddy: "There isn't a band playing tonight." Murphy: "I definitely heard someone say "a band on ship!"

- A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. "It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"

- I was sat in the tattoo parlour earlier when a butterfly flew past with a picture of a slag on it's wing.

- I was on a train this morning, in the loo. having a shit, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door." "No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn"

- Whilst on holiday recently, I was asked to be a judge at a country fayre. I was in charge of picking "the nicest herb" and "the nicest German sausage made from herbs".
It was The Best of Thymes, it was The Wurst of Thymes.

- Alien walks into a bar. Landlord: "Are you an alien?" Alien: "I am yeah mate... why?" Landlord: "Well you're the first we've ever had in here". Alien: "Seriously?" Landlord: "Yeah deffo". Alien: "RIGHT! I'm getting the fucking drinks in! Everyone! Whatever they're having is on me". Landlord can't believe his luck and is serving for a good 45 minutes rubbing his hands he comes back to the alien at the bar. Landlord: "Right, that's two hundred and seventy six pounds & forty six pence please". Alien: "You got change for a blib-blob?"

[Sansa Stark]

I retweeted this not long ago and for some reason it always cracks me up:

"Dad, are those buffaloes straight?"
"They're bison"
"Well, it's a free country"

HAHAHAAH