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Old 04-21-2009, 08:27 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thrice View Post
shooot man, anything can be sung!
but some things are better not being sung.
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Old 04-21-2009, 01:47 PM   #52 (permalink)
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yeah go ahead dreadnaught.
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Old 04-23-2009, 06:41 AM   #53 (permalink)
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good but it seems like your using too many strange metaphors. for example cardboard vessel, Han solo mold. maybe loosen it a bit so people can get a meaning of the song
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Old 04-24-2009, 04:39 PM   #54 (permalink)
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okay.
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Old 04-25-2009, 08:08 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubber View Post
open up and receive
the crackling of cardboard vessels
pulmonary and pure.
wiffle ball functioneer
of oxygen withdrawal.

I would change "wiffle ball"

doppelgängered from Han Solo mold
and so is sewn, the smiles of the bold

I'm sorry, I hate this part. It would be so much better without.

a ragtag firefly militia
to be massacred in the backyard
by jar armed juveniles.
exotic golden glow
extinguished
by the instruments of innocence.
I would change "backyard" and maybe you would have more progress if you came up with a metaphor you really liked and stuck to it throughout a song.
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Old 05-27-2009, 02:19 PM   #56 (permalink)
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woo I like this whole merge deal.
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Old 09-25-2009, 11:58 PM   #57 (permalink)
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novelty
honesty was just a passing dream
an old friend I had grown apart from
now objecting silently in the corner.
my neurons clamor
firing out the latest piston chic.
my thoughts have been thought before
but now they are mine.
these pupils have sensed the starlight caress
like so many before
with no novelty lost.
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Last edited by Rubber; 09-26-2009 at 08:28 AM.
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Old 09-26-2009, 09:41 AM   #58 (permalink)
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Quote:
my thoughts have been thought before
but now they are mine.
Love this line. Actually, whether this particular poem had an obvious meaning or not, it's flow and sound are great. I want to hear music to that one.

peace,
-nick

PS. Wes Montgomery is one of my top 10 favorite guitar players of all time.
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:34 PM   #59 (permalink)
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interpret
if only I could decipher the language of heartbeat
speak the tongue of eye shift
sing the song of key word
no more traipsing through dead garden
no more
no longer
interim head warden
of empty cell
you can find me
on the park bench
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Old 11-03-2009, 02:33 PM   #60 (permalink)
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unt. #4
loose ankles
loose muscles
loose lips
lilted little leeway tunnels left vacant for the acquittal
less stones on the shore
more mud on the water
nothin' like the love of a father for his daughter
and the whales pray
in the ocean's open heat
when there's nowhere left to hide
and there's nothin' left to eat
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