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Old 05-01-2009, 04:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default A very quick thought, Undeveloped, Raw, yet for some reason finished

Condensation.


The memory flowered, a seasonal secretion,
almost dream swept, with Winter laden incision-
The playground roundabout dizzy spell,
secluded successions and Summers smell.

A derision of her kitchen scented day,
sweeping by within the kettle pot steaming
up yesterdays window message, remembering-
always- that this, too, will pass away.
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Old 05-01-2009, 05:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I love the imagery. I felt as if I was looking into the window of an old-time's home. Beautiful.
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Old 05-02-2009, 02:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daysleeper1985 View Post
Condensation.


The memory flowered, a seasonal secretion,
almost dream swept, with Winter laden incision-
The playground roundabout dizzy spell,
secluded successions and Summers smell.

A derision of her kitchen scented day,
sweeping by within the kettle pot steaming
up yesterdays window message, remembering-
always- that this, too, will pass away.
I'd change the phrase "seasonal secretion".
Secretion isn't a word you want to use unless you're describing a bodily function. It takes the mind away from the overall imagery you've achieved here.

Other than that, it's pretty swell.
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Old 05-02-2009, 11:35 AM   #14 (permalink)
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You should make a demo.
Questionable Tip: Use Synth Pad, it might add to the imagery
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Old 05-03-2009, 05:01 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default The Sandmans Visit

One of my earliest poems, still stands out to me for some reason as a defining moment.

The Sandmans Visit

Through the darkness of all discreet
Masked by helpless thoughts of sleep,
I leave the troubled waters deep
To flow their way for dreams are sweet.

In all we see and seem lies grief
It seeps from luminous moments, brief.
Within the shadows skulks a thief
The sandman lurks with swollen feet.

Beyond the lake I watch for him
And hum along to broken hymns.
While strewn away in woods lit dim
Our fears demur so we can't swim.

With time comes day; with day, the light;
Clocks now spin from swirling flight.
I wished for dawn: dazzled delight!
Instead I lie adhered to night.
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Old 05-03-2009, 08:58 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Absolutly lovely. Wouldn't change a thing.
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Old 05-04-2009, 03:39 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Really Good
i just used the clap smiley
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Old 05-04-2009, 06:39 PM   #18 (permalink)
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cheers for the feedback...like I said it really was just a very quick thought and it just keeps growing on me the more i read it...think I may keep padding it out before I'm totally happy but I'm glad you see it in a positive light
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Old 05-09-2009, 07:31 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I'd stick with "secretion" if I were you. "Excretion", for example, might not convey quite the same intriguing mood.
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Old 05-09-2009, 07:35 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I'd stick with "secretion " if I were you. "
"Excretion" for example wouldn't convey quite the same mood.
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