Music Banter

Go Back   Music Banter > Artists Corner > Song Writing, Lyrics and Poetry
Register Blogging Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Welcome to Music Banter Forum! Make sure to register - it's free and very quick! You have to register before you can post and participate in our discussions with over 70,000 other registered members. After you create your free account, you will be able to customize many options, you will have the full access to over 1,100,000 posts.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-13-2009, 11:52 AM   #171 (permalink)
young gun funyun
 
Nicktarist's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southern US
Posts: 166
Default

I like this song allot--it expresses my sentiments towards conflict. No truth except the truth of conflict right? lol. Anyways, I only have two critiques this time for you:

1. your a little too repetitive in the last few verses. I expect that you would keep the song somewhat simple, so you have to have some variation--even if that variation is just in the way you say the lines.

Quote:
And I’m watching in the stands,
thinking what sorrow is this
where people issue cruel commands –
thumbs down and the weaker one loses.
and loses doesn't match well with 'this' --although that only depends upon how you say it. If you wish to keep loses, you have to say 'is this' like one word. I would actually like to hear this song (if you don't mind).

peace,
-nick
__________________
Quote:
It only takes one jerk to prove any hypothesis absolutely false. Like, have you ever heard the rumor that you can drop cash on the street in Tokyo and the people are so honest that someone will find it, pick it up, and take it to the cops? Well, that's absolutely 100% not true, because I once found a plain envelope on the ground with "6,000 yen" written on it. Inside was 6,000 yen. I put it in my pocket and kept walking.
Nicktarist is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2009, 01:36 PM   #172 (permalink)
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by iron9567 View Post
i like this song it has alot of descriptive lines. I will say that the way you have the lines structured. It does makes it difficult to see how you would arrange music to it. I like it either way and would like to hear it in audio. So keep up the good work and keep cranking out the songs.
thanks
the iron man
Thanks, iron man, for reading the song. I structured it in three large sections, each ending with one of the final stanzas (within the section) being the "power trip" chorus. I don't know what it is called (a post-chorus), but the stanza with "common ground" in it is supposed to tie the story together by appearing early on, while the fighters are still alive, then later clinching the song at the end, when they are lying, dying, on the ground. I haven't recorded the song yet but hope to soon!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicktarist View Post
I like this song allot--it expresses my sentiments towards conflict. No truth except the truth of conflict right? lol. Anyways, I only have two critiques this time for you:

1. your a little too repetitive in the last few verses. I expect that you would keep the song somewhat simple, so you have to have some variation--even if that variation is just in the way you say the lines.

and loses doesn't match well with 'this' --although that only depends upon how you say it. If you wish to keep loses, you have to say 'is this' like one word. I would actually like to hear this song (if you don't mind).

peace,
-nick
Hi nick,
Thanks, too, for reading and for the feedback. I do think the song (like most of mine) is probably too long. Once I have it recorded I'll be able to listen more impartially and decide better whether I should remove the repetition you note in the final stanzas. At least how I sing the words, the "this" and "loses" (to me) don't seem too mismatched because I emphasize the "is" and "es" parts of the words while singing them. Thanks for your comments! I hope all's well with you.

--Erica
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-2009, 07:47 PM   #173 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
Arya Stark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,024
Default

I'd really like to hear your songs played, I'm wondering how the most recent ones sound.
Honestly, I think some of the words you're using, such as "shield" are corny.
But you know me well enough to know that I like more subtle terms and such.
Your songs are really long, too, how long is this one?
Is it slow or fast?
Curiosity. ^_^
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sansa Stark View Post
I'm down with Jesus, in that case.


MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.
Arya Stark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2009, 12:20 PM   #174 (permalink)
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993
Default

AwwSugar,
Thanks for reading! Yes, "Common Ground" certainly has a high corny-factor rating, since it is describing gladiators. Fighting. Preferably naked. Together. (Just kidding). I agree with you about the corniness. It isn't a subtle song.

And, yes (sigh) my songs tend to be long. "Common Ground" is probably 5 minutes. I haven't recorded it yet because I've been working on my "Festivus" song for the MusicBanter 2009 Festivus song contest In answer to your question, "Common Ground" is mostly fast. I'm planning to record two sets of drums, kind of like in the group Kylesa, to have a very strong rhythm. That's my little headnod to The Unfan, who likes Kylesa.

But before I get to recording "Common Ground," I have to work on the "Ya" song for you! Let's see, my preliminary recording of "Ya" (now called "Evergreen") is...3:56. So, under 4 minutes! That's pretty good for me!

--Erica
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2009, 02:21 PM   #175 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
Arya Stark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,024
Default

Do you have recordings for anything else?
I want to hear you!
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sansa Stark View Post
I'm down with Jesus, in that case.


MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.
Arya Stark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2009, 09:50 PM   #176 (permalink)
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
Do you have recordings for anything else?
I want to hear you!
Hey, Sugar,
Well, thank you for asking! Somehow I thought you'd already heard me, but maybe not! (I still remember your voice from *your* video where you are a singing silhouette.)

I just posted "The Festivus Pole Dance Song" on my MySpace (VEGANGELICA on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads), where I have uploaded several songs in various stages of completion. Below is the link to the Youtube video I just finished today for the MusicBanter Festivus Song Contest. I was pleased to get it done in time because today is Festivus! If I had more time I'd edit it (cutting out part of the middle section)...but here's the song in its entirety.

~ Erica

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 12-02-2012 at 05:41 PM.
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2009, 11:43 PM   #177 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
Arya Stark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,024
Default

You sing, right?
How exciting.
I'll listen to it as soon as I wake up. [=
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sansa Stark View Post
I'm down with Jesus, in that case.


MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.
Arya Stark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-25-2009, 08:30 AM   #178 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
Arya Stark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,024
Default

LOL Erica, please tell me that Festivus song was a joke.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sansa Stark View Post
I'm down with Jesus, in that case.


MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.
Arya Stark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2009, 11:17 AM   #179 (permalink)
Facilitator
 
VEGANGELICA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Where people kill 30 million pigs per year
Posts: 1,993
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AwwSugar View Post
LOL Erica, please tell me that Festivus song was a joke.
A joke? You mean...do I really have a Festivus pole and do pole dancing in my free time not spent on MB? Oh, absolutely. We have a very Happy Festivus in my house.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"
VEGANGELICA is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-26-2009, 11:32 AM   #180 (permalink)
"Hermione-Lite"
 
Arya Stark's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York.
Posts: 3,024
Default

o.O
I don't even know. xD
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sansa Stark View Post
I'm down with Jesus, in that case.


MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.
Arya Stark is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Similar Threads



2003-2019 Advameg, Inc.

SEO by vBSEO 3.5.2 ©2010, Crawlability, Inc.