The Official Joke Thread

[ThePhanastasio]

Originally Posted by Zero1986

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

That reminds me of one, actually.

"A baby seal walks into a club..."

[Zer0]

Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio

That reminds me of one, actually.

"A baby seal walks into a club..."

Awww that's just mean

Actually that reminds me

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

[Dirty]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[Howard the Duck]

this thread is so long so I'm not sure whether this has been posted yet

what's the difference between a 4 yr old boy and a pound of cocaine?




Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of cocaine fall out the window

[The Batlord]

The kids of Ms. Johnson's first grade class are coming back from recess. The first to walk in is Timmy. Ms. Johnson asks him what he did during recess, and Timmy says, "I played in the sandbox". Ms. Johnson says, "If you can spell 'sand', I'll give you a cookie". Timmy does, and gets a cookie. Then Sally walks into the classroom. Ms. Johnson asks her what she did during recess and Sally says, "I played in the sandbox with Timmy". Ms. Johnson says, "If you can spell 'box', I'll give you a cookie". Sally does, and gets a cookie. Then Muhammed walks into the classroom. Ms. Johnson asks him what he did during recess and Muhammed says, "I tried to play with Timmy and Sally in the sandbox, but they threw sand at me". Ms. Johnson responds, "That's blatant racial disrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a cookie".

[Phantom Limb]

Women's rights.

[djchameleon]

Originally Posted by Abearmauledme

Women's rights.

so simple yet effective. I started laughing then felt bad two seconds later.

[BobLobLaw]

What's the difference between pizza and a Jew?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

[Thom Yorke]

Originally Posted by Zero1986

I love anti-jokes

What do you call a black man with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep?
Whatever his name just happens to be

A horse walks into a bar
The bar man escorts it outside and calmly phones the police

Two clowns and a fire-breather walk into a bar
They order a pint each and sit down to enjoy

What did the duck say to the skunk?
Quack

Knock, knock
Who's there?
It's the police, your son has been hit by a car

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was also dead

An Irishman walks out of a bar...

Ya I love them. It's just one of those things you love or hate.

A priest, a rabbi, a black guy, a woman with one eye, an eskimo, an Irishman with a duck under his arm, a talking horse, a blind mexican, a pregnant nun, two midgets, and a gay guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Why did Grandpa climb the telephone pole with a backpack full of bananas?
He has a debilitating disease. He is slowly losing touch with reality.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs water-skiing?
I'm not sure but it certainly seems like an unlikely scenario.

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What'll it be today, my friend?" The duck doesn't respond because it's a duck. Also, the bartender might want to re-evaluate his social life if he considers a duck his friend, unless of course he just said it in passing. Still though, the guy is talking to a duck, so maybe his sanity is the real issue here.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
An ambulance due to the fact that is quite a serious wound.

[Thom Yorke]

A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his tummy was growling.
"I sure am hungry," exclaimed the sleepy bear.
So the bear found some berries, but quickly spit them out.
"These berries are far too yucky," sniveled the playful bear.
He then found some honey, however was soon chased away by a swarm of bumble bees.
"That honey is sweet and yummy, but my tummy is still growling!" cried the jolly bear.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." wondered the curious bear.
The events that followed are now referred to by the locals as the Doomsday Massacre. While no witnesses survived, police reports depict that the Martinez's, a young family of 7 enjoying their Memorial Day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, were brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who relentlessly tracked each of them down, one by one.