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Old 12-26-2008, 08:12 AM   #81 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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Default A Whore Who Can't Drink (Christ)

driving home
on Xmas eve
from a home
where everyone eats-up
cancer.

the lights
of the city
we are whizzing by
are so welcoming.
that is the beauty
of advertisement.

I wish I was drunk
on Xmas Eve, 2008
or stoned
like everyone else
at the party.

I wish I was out
in a bar
on Xmas eve
with people
in a conundrum
like my own.
who don't want to be
anywhere right
now.

my mother
is crying
in the front seat.
I didn't eat any of her
food.
because I am
not hungry,
but very thirsty.
I am Dry.

I say "ex mass"
because i can't
say christ
without feeling
like a whore;
who can't even drink
any-more.

I smoke
cancer-sticks
and watch
my loved ones.
away,
from this.
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:17 AM   #82 (permalink)
killedmyraindog
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifey Boozer View Post
driving home
on Xmas eve
from a home
where everyone eats-up
cancer.
I don't know if "eats-up" should be two words, but I think it should. This could go somewhere decent but I'm put off by the word "cancer," to be it sounds preachy but see what other folks think

Quote:
the lights
of the city
we are whizzing by
are so welcoming.
that is the beauty
of advertisement.
The first 4 lines are great, simple to the point, but the last two are smashing an agenda over the head, if you're attempting to make a point, its better to use subtlety (imo). I think the better way to sell this point (or image) would be to explain what is beautiful. I get it that its lights, but maybe delve a little deeper. I'm not sure what adverts you had in mind, but draw attention to aspects, a lot of booze and cig ads use appealing images. Talk about those. Until I know what it is you're talking about I can't give better info than that.

Quote:
I wish I was drunk
on Xmas Eve, 2008
or stoned
like everyone else
at the party.
a couple things are going on here.

1. When you use Xmas instead of Christmas, its a pretty big change in Lit. So make sure you mean what you write. Is that something you want to convey or were you just using short hand. The same with the date. 2008 specifically. Is that significant because it was 2 days ago? Will it matter in 15 years?

2. I'm still wondering why with a bunch of these things. id say over all I like the environment you've created. It gives the characters a feel that you don't give them. In fact it gives us characters that you don't give us. I can see these people though I don't have much to go on. Thats good and its a great device, but I want to know a little more about them.

Quote:
I wish I was out
in a bar
on Xmas eve
with people
in a conundrum
like my own.
who don't want to be
anywhere right
now.
I'm always drawn to the "finney tribe" example I once heard while learning to write. In an attempt to not say "school of fish", one writter used "finney tribe" and it came acorss then like it sounds now. Its over done. Don't be afraid to speak plainly. Nothings gained from seeming mysterious when we write.

I can tell you from experience that when we try to be clever, for other readers its way too far. Often times what seems amazingly obvious to us is not obvious to other people. That being said, my suggestion would be to let go. Conundrum works with creative writing in only a few ways; mockery, clever word play, or when you're quoting another text. I'm not sure it would work when describing yourself. People tend not to write that way.

Quote:
my mother
is crying
in the front seat.
I didn't eat any of her
food.
because I am
not hungry,
but very thirsty.
I am Dry.
Oh here we go. Characters, relationships. Direct feelings (even if its hungry). You're triping yourself up again though. Don't worry about people "getting it", jsut write. I mean if we're being honest, wtf does "I am dry" mean? I came from a place where I used to write things like that because I'd read poems and I'd seen lines like that and thought "thats how you do it."

What I came to learn was in poetry there is never an extra. In fact thats what the craft is. Use the least amount of words to conjure the more articulated image. Extra lines that mean nothing have no place in poetry.

[/QUOTE]I say "ex mass"
because i can't
say christ
without feeling
like a whore;
who can't even drink
any-more.[/QUOTE]

Alright so my point about is fleshed out here. I'm glad I'm reviewing this as I'm reading because you'll know what i thought, as presumably what others are thinking as they read along.

That being said, its x-mas, not "ex mass" and you're throwing the clever into overdrive. You went from overestimating your audiences intelligence to spoon feeding them. At least be consistent, at best don't think about readers when you write. Mel Brooks once said of comedy "never underestimate your audiences intelligence." He was refering to comedy, but that goes for all things. Artfully speaking.

Quote:
I smoke
cancer-sticks
and watch
my loved ones.
away,
from this.
Away from this is a logic problem not poetry. All it says to me is you're not with them.

There is with them, and there is not with them.

There is A and there is not A. Not A shall be refered to as B. B shall be known as away.

Math is fun, but this is poetry. And if you take anything from what I've said here, please let it be this.

When you say things like "away from this," you aren't giving us the weight of the issue, and I'm suspecting thats because you don't know what it is.

Its not enough to be sad or depressed. We need to know why, because otherwise you're just like everyone else. The uniqueness of the experience is what draws people in. We're all sad at times and that connects with people, but you want to hold interest after that connection.

A playwriter once told me, "no one cares about the guy who stays home on friday night and watches bad television while eating a pizza. People are interested in the guy who stays home every friday night to eat Artichoke Pizza with 5 friends while watching The Karate Kid 3"

That might say better than what I've been trying to for 9 paragraphs now.
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:45 AM   #83 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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Big3! Long time no type, thank you immensely for taking the time out to critique this... I agree with mostly all you said... it tries so hard, the poem does, to convey something that is never really hit on the head perfectly... I suppose it came from a place of anger, of sadness, dissapointment in the caliber of life as it is at the moment. The reason I am so depressed lately and with this, is because my grandmother, whom I'm incredibly close to, has just been diagnosed with cancer... It's hard to say that blatantly in a poem without sounding whiney. I'll give this thing another go later on tonight, because I think it could be great. Thank you for everything, and I'll post an edited version later.
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Old 12-26-2008, 10:07 AM   #84 (permalink)
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Yeah, you're getting there. Maybe juxtapose the smoking with the bad news.

The best thing for any piece is 3 days away from it. Your emotions change, but whats good is still good. It gets you away from the inside commentary that bewilders other readers.
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:52 AM   #85 (permalink)
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I think in a way that's what I was trying to do. If you notice, I didn't post yesterday as promised... turns out I was busy ha, but my head had some good lines running through it. I'll try and give it another go today later on.
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Old 12-29-2008, 10:46 AM   #86 (permalink)
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Are you going to Edit the OP or repost?
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:06 PM   #87 (permalink)
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I'm going to repost. I've just been extremely busy lately and have been trying to find time to redo this. Will probably get to it today as I'll be online a lot - boyfriend's working.
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Old 12-31-2008, 07:28 AM   #88 (permalink)
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extremely moving & visceral. been there many a xmas. holidays are great for making one feel so alienated from the rest of the planet. it addles one further to have candy dangled in front of one's eyes that can't be had. makes you wanna say 'go **** yourself' to everyone who wishes you a merry xmas.
my girlfriend's step-father stole all the presents under the tree on xmas eve to go out on a coke/crack/alcohol binge..and on dec 26 he tried to hang himself in the bathroom of his house and was arrested and baker acted & is in the psych ward at columbia hospital in west palm beach at present. yea holidays can suck totally
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Old 12-31-2008, 11:05 AM   #89 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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Agreed, dar. My best friend's mother's boyfriend at the time did a similiar thing. They're very poor, and the boyfriend wasn't, and bought my friend (young at the time) Xmas gifts and took them all back Xmas eve because he had a fight with the mother. Holidays are usually always bad for me, anyhow, between **** actually happening, and memories of other bad **** happening, espcially on Xmas.


Big3... sorry I've been delaying this rewrite... been incredibly busy lately, will try my best to get a draft up today. Hang tight.
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Old 12-31-2008, 05:17 PM   #90 (permalink)
Meanie McFeany
 
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finally time for a rewrite!


driving home
on Xmas eve
from a home
where everyone eats
her cancer.

the lights
of the city
we are whizzing by
are so welcoming.
city lights
that blink
so planes don't crash.
office parties,
and neon-bar signs.
These people are fine,
and that is the beauty
of advertisement
and intoxication, lung cancer
and absentness.

I was I was drunk
on Xmas eve, 2008
or stoned
like everyone else
at her pre-funeral
party.

half-empty
people, and bottles
are scattered
all over.
We should work
for an ad company
where nothing matters
anymore, or any less.

I wish I was out
in a neon bar
on Xmas eve
with other people
who can't stand
to be anywhere
else, but not there
at all.

my mother
is crying
in the front seat.
I didn't eat any of her
food.
but I'm not
hungry, anymore
for anything.
I am thirsty,
and dry-eyed,
I am clenched too tightly,
for a sober cunt
like myself.

I say "Xmas"
because I can't
say "christ"
without feeling.
Like a whore;
who can't even drink
any more, at all,
nothing.

I smoke
cancer-sticks
and watch
my loved ones.
I watch away,
away from their deaths,
away from hers,
and away
from my own.
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Formerly known as the Prime Minister of Spain.

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