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Old 02-03-2009, 02:58 PM   #111 (permalink)
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all right i suppose i'll throw you a bone here.
i liked this piece as a whole, but i do have a few things to say about it.
The descriptive nature of the story is brilliant in itself, however at some points it drags on a bit too long.
For example:

This paragraph starts out and ends well, but there are just a few too many examples given that it ends up a little dry.

Another suggestion would be to format the piece differently. I realize that it is a short story but it's written incredibly poetically. I might try spacing it differently to display that so that it is read correctly. However, I could be entirely off the mark here.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this nonetheless and good luck in your endeavors.
She has very good rhythm though...also she is very good taking an aural photograph of a conversation...like Hemingway in "Hills Like White Elephants". Definitely natural talent here. I write ( non fiction..not sure if I have any talent for fiction or poetry ) for a living so I am especially attentive to fresh voices and stylized approaches to literature. In all honesty I am a tad jealous of her style in fact. I wish I could write creatively and not just analytically.
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Old 02-03-2009, 05:44 PM   #112 (permalink)
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I really enjoy your writing style. Its a little hard for me as a reader (and a not very good one at that) to understand here and there, but I suppose if you wrote a book it would sell good to all them fancy dancy smartsters.
Anywhos I really enjoyed this paragraph...

"A pause. She knows me, she don’t know me that well, just enough to know I’ve got a few screws loose. A few cards short of a poker game. A few balls less than shootin’ straight. A few ants short of a poetic afternoon picnic. A few ounces short of a full swimming pool. A few pints short of a stocked bar. A few lines off of 20/20 vision. A few nails short of a sturdy foundation. A few cigarettes short of a pack. All that and then some."

EDIT: As did everyone else it appears.
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Old 02-03-2009, 06:01 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Aveneficus, agreed that that paragraph is dry... the only descriptions though that I'd be willing to take out of there would be, "A few ounces short of a full swimming pool...A few lines off of 20/20 vision....A few nails short of a sturdy foundation." I think that would make the paragraph less dragged-on... about the formatting of it... I've thought about writing many of my short stories like poems... but it just doesn't look right to me, and many people read it wrong anyway. I suppose it's one of those things where one either gets it, or they don't. But thank you so much for your time and feedback, it's deeply appreciated

ninanirvana, I love Hills Like White Elephants... though, it pisses me off that it's "supposed" to be about abortion. To me, a piece like that should be ambiguous, y'know? But thank you so much for the kind words, do you have a sample of writing of your own? I'm curious to see what your own style is.

EDIT: Thank you Shoe

Lex
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Old 02-05-2009, 03:41 PM   #114 (permalink)
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ninanirvana, I love Hills Like White Elephants... though, it pisses me off that it's "supposed" to be about abortion. To me, a piece like that should be ambiguous, y'know? But thank you so much for the kind words, do you have a sample of writing of your own? I'm curious to see what your own style is.

Lex
I simply love Hemingway. :-) You have a certain Hemingway quality...and that is great.

I am not sure I am confident enough to put my own fiction in here yet. I can't reveal my public works in here either by contract with my employer I am simply here to enjoy and learn more for my own enjoyment as well as stuff for work.

I write poetry...but I have "stage fright" for now...some people in here say some nasty things and some people like myself I guess would just rather keep to themselves more because if this. Anyway..we have people like you to read who have real talent in my estimation IMHO. You are good. That is great 2 C
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Old 02-05-2009, 05:43 PM   #115 (permalink)
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Well thank you very much nina . I see you're listening to MRI there on your LastFM thing, do you know daren? Drop me a line on a PM, we have things to chat about haha.
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Old 02-05-2009, 06:25 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Well thank you very much nina . I see you're listening to MRI there on your LastFM thing, do you know daren? Drop me a line on a PM, we have things to chat about haha.
Yes. I know MRI from way when they were Noir back in 2002. They opened for Green Day at the Coral Sky once which was what started the whole Noir vs Noir fight ( there was a Noir from Orlando and Noir from West Palm Beach ) Noir from Orlando ( they played speed metal ) got signed to Roadrunner records and an A & R from Roadrunner gave Noir/West Palm a cease-desist order on using that band name. That angered the band very much but they simply changed their name to MRI and began producing themself. At ***** we think they are the breakout act for Florida bands for 2009. They sound like The Police and U2 I think. I know Zaina better than Darin but since ****** I have gotten to know Darin, Alan and Dan. The videos are truly unique and works of art on their own. I helped Darin get the Area 51 footage for the last video from our archive at *******.
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