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Old 02-26-2009, 03:23 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Default drunk

Sitting at home alone
this alcohol warms my stomach
There's nothing to do but try

Try to cover up the stench and the reek
its hard, but I can do it
I'm a bit drunk, but I can think clearly enough to see
that I really don't care if they know

I think

If they notice then I'll be stuck in this room forever
If they don't then I'm golden
If they do, well, I'll still feel better than I did
before

But I really don't care if they know
I think
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Old 02-26-2009, 05:23 PM   #92 (permalink)
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The reek? have you pissed yourself then?

Let me tell ya. You are not the first person to have their senses dulled by alcohol and you certainly won't be the last.
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Old 02-26-2009, 06:58 PM   #93 (permalink)
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I am a failure
At life, at death
At in between

I have Idle time
To fill with pain
Its better than nothing

I have done nothing in this life
Perhaps the next one will be better
Moving on, looking forward

Looking up or looking down
Wherever this world takes me
I am a failure put me out of your mind


I feel you on that one.
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Old 02-26-2009, 08:27 PM   #94 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog View Post
This is called John Frusciante syndrome.

Also, rhyming is something only the very great, and the very terrible do. On your climb to the former, under no circumstance should you rhyme. It is the dark side of poetry, and its seductive, but it will destroy you.
Wow. That was good advice, I think I'm just going to take that. Iv'e been trying to improve my poems but nobody ever gives me any critisism! Not that musicbanter is here to give me poetry advice, but it would still be nice darnit!
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Old 02-27-2009, 09:03 AM   #95 (permalink)
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You want my advice here it is.

1. You're not going to be taken seriously unless you get to 1,000 posts and not spamming. I.e. give them a reason to care about you enough to review your works.

Are you someone whose personality we've come to know? None of this should really matter, but on Musicbanter, we don't like newbies coming here and demanding all our time. That may not be how you see it, but thats how they see it.

2. Write more, post writing less. Write a piece, leave it for three days, really wrestle with the intricate. The cliches are there because you're skipping over real feeling to get to some other point.

3. This goes for everyone. Look at your piece and the part you love the most. Not like, not are proud of, I mean ****ing love. Take that part out.

Generally those pieces are too personal to make any god damned sense to readers. If you're writing for yourself, go crazy. If you're posting it, get it out.

I'm thinking of the one guy who wrote "I want to fall in love and gently land on my feet." If you want my honest opinion, that line is awful; its cute, its clever, it belongs in an American Idol song. Theres nothing good about it, the line almost says "do you see what I did there? look at me!"

I tend to love quite a few works by Frank O'Hara because he focuses almost entierly on the "who gives a ****" pieces of the day to day. But thats what matters. He never says look at me, he's very matter-of-fact. I'd suggested reading some of his pieces until something clicks.
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Old 02-27-2009, 05:23 PM   #96 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBig3KilledMyRainDog View Post
You want my advice here it is.

1. You're not going to be taken seriously unless you get to 1,000 posts and not spamming. I.e. give them a reason to care about you enough to review your works.

Are you someone whose personality we've come to know? None of this should really matter, but on Musicbanter, we don't like newbies coming here and demanding all our time. That may not be how you see it, but thats how they see it.

2. Write more, post writing less. Write a piece, leave it for three days, really wrestle with the intricate. The cliches are there because you're skipping over real feeling to get to some other point.

3. This goes for everyone. Look at your piece and the part you love the most. Not like, not are proud of, I mean ****ing love. Take that part out.

Generally those pieces are too personal to make any god damned sense to readers. If you're writing for yourself, go crazy. If you're posting it, get it out.

I'm thinking of the one guy who wrote "I want to fall in love and gently land on my feet." If you want my honest opinion, that line is awful; its cute, its clever, it belongs in an American Idol song. Theres nothing good about it, the line almost says "do you see what I did there? look at me!"

I tend to love quite a few works by Frank O'Hara because he focuses almost entierly on the "who gives a ****" pieces of the day to day. But thats what matters. He never says look at me, he's very matter-of-fact. I'd suggested reading some of his pieces until something clicks.
Jeez, that was harsh. I seriously sensed some anger there. I would never demand anyones time or write tons of poems with cliche's; so I hope that wasn't aimed directly at me.
Here is how I see things: I wanted to branch out musically a couple months ago and I started to. This is because I was sick of being musically retarded, and I'm just starting off- but I found this site when I was bored and figured it could help. Last couple of weeks, Iv'e been studying poetry, just because it lately has really been interesting me. I decided to post them here to get critisism so I can learn how to advance. That in no way means I expect it, it's not like I need it from this site- I could just go post it on a poetry site. I would never demand someone else's time, especially over the internet, for anything. That would be arrogant. So, if your "advice" was directed at me, you stand corrected.
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Old 03-06-2009, 02:44 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Rockclimbing

I'm a certified belayer
and I will never let you fall
even when the going gets tough

and you hang upsidedown
Dangling from a thin rope
You are too precious for me to let fall

Just keep climbing because
if you fall I will always be there to catch you

And all that will happen is you will
hang suspended in midair until I
lower you gently to the ground

Then together you can climb up to the top again
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Old 03-06-2009, 04:57 PM   #98 (permalink)
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I really just want to fall from the summit now....
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Old 03-06-2009, 05:16 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Looks like your progressing in your poetry.
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Old 03-06-2009, 05:40 PM   #100 (permalink)
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youve gotta stop writing "hi" on everything of youll get yourself banned. and you dont want that
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