Ravenkin

Take from your lovely mouth that cigarette.
Put down your glass. I don’t want to lose you yet.

For some reason those lines connected with me the most. Its a great song keep up the good work!

VEGANGELICA

Thanks VeggieLover. Yes, I'd read what you wrote about you's in someone else's thread and agree that they can jolt a listener out of being absorbed in a song. I'll think about variations to avoid the you's.

Hey, Nick, thanks for the advice...I agree it is too long! I will try to figure out the parts I feel are most redundant so I can make the song more concise. I will hope to end up with two versions...one the original, and one shorter...so then I can still feel my original intent is given life, but also make a version that doesn't drag on and on. I am curious now how you might have approached the topic.

Thank you, Ravenkin, for reading! I like those lines, too...written for a particular person. I'm glad you liked the song, and thank you for the encouragement.

--Erica

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Nicktarist

I personally would've found a metaphor that would be consistant through the entire song (for instance, I've got a song back in my thread that uses a train as a reference to progression and success). When I say the train stopped or fell on it's side, it means that things seem to stand still and never get done or go forward. Time stands still (as it may). So here, I would sit and think what the most consistant representation of PETA would probably be:

a crafty snake?
a street dealer?
a confused lemming? (A lemming with the locket?)

then I'd take that and advance it every few lines:

That's how I would technically approach the poem (even those are terrible metaphors).

In reference to my criticism of PETA, I would certainly point out that they follow their ideology like lemmings, often forcing them off a cliff of sanity and into a sea of contradiction and deceit. I'd try to get to the very root of the problem and point out how impossible it is for people to (in general) admit that they are wrong. It takes allot (I know from expirience).

What you have though is absolutely perfect for the cause and doesn't require my input to be effective.

peace out,
-nick

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VEGANGELICA

Hello, People,

Since quite a few love songs are being posted right now in other people's threads, I decided to share one of mine that I finished a couple weeks ago. This song, "Twist," is one of a long line of songs I was inspired to write thanks to MB, which I never expected would be such a delightful source of inspiration when I joined!

Those of you who have read my previous posts may be happy to learn that the following is actually an optimistic song (well, about as optimistic as I can muster) rather than a scathing critique of human injustices and cruelty. Eh, even I have a romantic side.

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“Twist” by Erica

His youth was rich in experience,
rich in experience but not wealth.
He had to work to pay for every life expense.
Didn’t own much more than his clothes and his health.

Couldn’t go to college, ‘cause he had to live.
You can’t pay tuition when you’re eating air.
He tried to make peace with having no alternative.
Tried to make himself believe he didn’t care...

about the deeds undone, the plans never begun,
dreams falling through the cracks
showing what your life lacks,
having little control over the unmet goal,
knowing what’s in store: always hoping for more.

He learned the hard way some won’t sacrifice
one goal to make another come true.
He’d loved a woman once, hoped they’d run through rice.
Now he missed the life they never knew due to...

her promises undone, her vows never begun,
dreams falling through the cracks
showing what your life lacks,
having little control over the wayward soul
seeing what’s in store and always wanting more.

Then one night he went out to eat,
gave his order to a stranger who smiled.
He thought, she’d be someone he’d like to meet.
She seemed as open as a child.

She saved twisty-ties from bags of breads,
wove them into colorful tapestries,
characters with twisty-tie ring heads,
and mobiles swaying in the breeze.

And she told him:
"These are the deeds I’ve done, little dreams I’ve begun.
I used to fall through the cracks of what my life lacks.
Then I changed my view: I see the old is new.
I never know what’s in store, but I don’t need more."

And as their months passed
he felt the urge to give her everything,
everything a friend could ever ask for,
but life and love aren’t all-encompassing
and sometimes you just can’t give anymore.

Yet she told him,
“The gift ungiven is still worth receiving,
like when you say you’d rather stay when you’re leaving.
I can’t figure you out, but I want to figure you in.
Just give me a sign and I’ll begin.”

He'd started out with so little,
didn’t know if he could offer it all again.
He wanted to meet her in the middle,
but he couldn’t say when
‘til one day she told him:

“I know you want the whole call, not just the ring,
still I made this twisty-tie ring for you.
I wish I could give you everything.
Please wear it if you want me to/too.”

His liquid courage solidified,
and he said, “I do.”

Ohhhh...
And the deed was done, their happy life begun.
No more falling through the cracks
showing what your life lacks.
Using what they could control, they reached their goal:
never knowing what’s in store, but not needing more.

Oh, the deed was done, their loving vows begun
to help mend the cracks ( <-- This line, Liz! )
of what the other’s life lacks,
making all they share a lifelong affair,
knowing what’s in store:
never wanting more,
never hoping for more,
never needing more.
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Hi, Nick,
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question and describe how you would have approached writing a song about PETA. I am now finding myself thinking about trying to make a song based on a metaphor that describes how hard it is to admit when one is wrong. I like that song topic idea: the strength and wisdom it takes for people to admit they are wrong.
--Erica

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Nicktarist

I think you've found your niché--it's not really love songs, but you are a master at storytelling. You have proven yourself best at that, thus far, and your song Africa--that's what it needs. It needs to be a proper story. If you could do that without trying to outright describe the culture (you only need to drop hints here and there), I think you would have a most perfect song.

peace,
-nick

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Ravenkin

I liked this one, when my headache goes away ill critique it more

Rainfall

@Nicktarist
Why does age matter? I'm met eight year-olds who are smarter and more mature than my own father (which may not say much, really); critism is critism; if you don't agree with it, you don't have to take their messages to heart.

If a a child speaks words of wisdom, does her age taint her message?

@Erica
May I inform you why I eat the tasty animals you are trying so hard to save (which I applaud, in an indirect way)?
One day I will sit down and read all your stuff, but not tonight.

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Rule #7 – Trust only when trusted.

VEGANGELICA

Hi Nick,
Thanks for reading and for appreciating the storytelling, as well as for your suggestion to make "Africa" more of a story than a documentary about life in Africa (good advice). I do like telling stories.

Hi Ravenkin,
Sorry about your headache. Those are no fun. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you'll feel better soon.

Hiya Rainfall,
Yes, I quite agree, age doesn't matter. And yes yes yes I'd very much like to hear more about your reasons for eating animals (like we've talked about in PMs) because I'm trying to write songs that address the reasons people often have for eating omnivorous diets. Thank you for offering!

--Erica

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VEGANGELICA

Hello to all of you,

First...Nick, Ravenkin, and Rainfall...I want to let you know that I wrote replies to your comments (thank you for them!) in my previous post.

I was planning to share another vegan song relating to how people treat non-human animals, but I decided instead to post the lyrics of a song I finished last week about how people sometimes treat other people. I wrote "Garden" for anyone who has ever been betrayed or used in a relationship. This song makes me sad (and a little angry) when I sing it because it taps into experiences I had long ago.

ERICA'S MUSIC RATING SYSTEM rating (which I still post for AwwSugar in case she comes back) for "Garden" is RRR for "A Relationship song with References to Religion."

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“Garden” by Erica

Say what you will, I can still see your look,
catching my eye as I reached up and took,
plucked in my palm, the fruit from the tree
so you could share knowledge with me.

You were no Adam and I was no Eve
when you said if we ever were told we must leave
we would go side-by-side, two as one, happily
if that meant you’d share knowledge with me.

Claim what you will, I can still feel your hand
pulling me gently down, sweet your demand,
juice from the fruit, the smile on your face,
as you offered me the first taste

saying, “Don’t bow your head, push that shyness away.
There’s no sin, there’s no guilt for which we have to pay,
no more shame, no more emptiness, longing or fear.
Believe in my love. I am here.”

Think what you will, I remember your word
given to me. I still know what I heard:
“Trust me,” you said, “I would never blame you
for something I wanted to do.”

And your promise of joy that this knowledge would bring,
the unknown, the allure, were so tantalizing,
I was caught in your lie, in your arms, didn’t see
the knowledge you sought was of me.

And your gentleness, strength coiled within, left me awed,
but I know now your caring was just a facade,
for you left me there broken where gardens once grew
and the snake in the bower was you.

For you were like God in the story of Eve
when you said it was my fault that I was naive,
though you knew I lacked knowledge of wrong and of right,
yet forbid the fruit you placed in sight.

Oh, you were like Adam – you left me to grieve
when you said it was my fault I chose to believe
though you ate of the fruit willingly, as did I,
not knowing your love was a lie.

I thought I was someone you’d never deceive
when you said if we ever were told we must leave
we would go side-by-side, hand-in-hand, happily
if that meant you’d share knowledge with me.

Oh, you were no Adam and I was no Eve
when you said if we ever were told we must leave
we would go side-by-side, hand-in-hand, happily
for a lifetime of knowledge
with me.

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Arya Stark

Dearest Erica,

As difficult of a time I have with rhyming, I quite loved this poem.

I have one thing that I would personally fix, and I'm wondering if you like my idea as well. Instead of this:

I would keep the rhythm, like this.

I'm not going to lie to you and say I read through the entire thing. I read about half. But I promise I will read the poem through. I might actually want to print it out, I quite like it.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come back and read this for you. Of all of your poetry that I have read, this is the one I can relate to the most.

I love you to death, and I'm heartbroken that you were thinking of me while I was being so careless.

Much Love (in a hearfelt letter-like post),

Sugar

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MB Journal.
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