darkcornerinthecloset

youve gotta stop writing "hi" on everything of youll get yourself banned. and you dont want that

Schizotypic

That made absolutly no sense at all. Elaborate?

darkcornerinthecloset

umm, sorry, i think i just posted something on the wrong thread.

darkcornerinthecloset

Ironic how I hide who I am and yet
broadcast it to the world
Is it not obvious if you open up your eyes
and minds?

I stand dead center in the middle of the stage
in your embrace People surround us but no one sits to watch the show
Empty seats but people mill around but
they don't even look up at the actors

trying their hardest to be what they're not

In ripped and faded and dirty clothes
I stand beside the well-dressed mother****ers
Yelling and screaming to be heard
No one hears over the sound of

lies ****ing LIES

No one ever hears what I have to say
because the lies cover my sobs when I cry
And they don't notice how wrong we are together
because they notice nothing

And that may be for the best

WWWP

We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn.

Burn, bitch, burn.

__________________

#DEMODFROWNLAND
#TERMLIMITSFORMODERATORS

Schizotypic

Suggestions for revision: Go look up how to use line breaks for emphasis. Take all constructive critism you get and apply it. Spend about two to three hours on a poem.

darkcornerinthecloset

i agree that the line breaks should be for emphasis, but those are the lines i want to emphasize. do you think different lines would be better?

Schizotypic

Ironic how I hide who I am and yet
broadcast it to the world
Is it not obvious if you open up your eyes
and minds?

Syllables: line 1 (11), line 2 (6), line 3 (13), line 4 (2)
There's no rythm in this.
Try writing a sentence and breaking it where there should be emphasis at the same time as using a little rythm.
I.e- (some song my girlfriend showed me) "If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?"
If this is the life
Why does it feel so
Good to die today?

Each line has five syllables and the line breaks are when a new thought is... actually that's not such a great example, but you get the picture.
Also it might help to look up synonyms, so you can shorten or lengthen lines to give a stanza an overall feeling. Doing stuff like this will make creating a poem more challenging, and will take longer, but it helps improve abilites if you keep on trying over and over. Practice makes perfect.

darkcornerinthecloset

Ironic how I hide who I am [9]
yet broadcast it to the world [7]
Is it not obvious if you [8]
open up your eyes and minds? [7]

We stand dead center in the middle of the stage [12]
People surround us but no one sits to watch the show [13]
Empty seats but people mill around onstage [11]
they don't even look up at the actors [10]

trying their hardest to be what they're not [10]

In ripped and faded and dirty clothes [9]
I stand beside the well-dressed mother****ers [11]
Yelling and screaming to be heard [8]
No one hears over the sound of [8]

lies ****ing LIES [4]

No one ever hears what I have to say [10]
because the lies cover my sobs when I cry [11]
And they don't notice how wrong we are together [12]
because they notice nothing outside of their own farce [13]

And that may be for the best [7]

Schizotypic

Why would you do almost nothing to this and then post it again? How much time do you spend on these? How much effort do you put into this? Poetry is not supposed to be just rhyming and making a general point you know. Want to improve? Here, I have challenge for you: Write a four stanza poem about what it feels like to fly and nothing else. Not your opinions, not your life, just what it would feel like to fly, that's it. Have exactly four lines in each stanza. Have twenty to twenty-five syllables in each stanza, about five to six for every line in a stanza. Never use the word 'fly' in it. The amount of time that takes you, IMO, is how long it should take to write a half-decent poem.