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Old 01-14-2010, 11:39 AM   #251 (permalink)
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The first song is extremely generic, and doesn't seem to have much creativity. It's good to write pieces like this to kill writer's block, but this piece just isn't your best. I say that because your songs are ordered in order from worst to best, so far. 4ever Yours is rather generic as well. Crackled isn't the best songwriting I've ever seen, and it's a generic type of song, but it's definitely more creative and less generic than the previous ones. I especially like the last line, although I think that the second-to-last line needs to be revised. I think that Stoned is also based off of a very generic concept, although it is more creative than the last one. I think that Crackled was written better, as I'm not getting into the character in Stoned's head as much. I don't really know what drove him to it, and I think that that's not a good thing.

The second song starts with "Red is the color of passion..." and the last one ends with "...covered in my favorite color red". Coincidence? Probably. But even if it is, I would advise revising your songs to emphisize their similarities.
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Old 01-16-2010, 01:09 PM   #252 (permalink)
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Default mr,sir,mentor,master

Under the roof of the world
suffication, manipulation for all you boys and girls.
Scream as loud as you dare
theirs just nobody there, nobody cares.
Crying out with disbelief, filled with grief
no one to heal your wounds
in your mouth there is no silver spoon.

Nothing is hidden all is laid out and bare
driven by anger by thoughtless unrelentless stares.
Constantly reminded where you came from
everyone would like to see you back there,
from their sight just gone.

You can't please everyone so don't even try
the more you try the more you frown.
Adults seem to be in control, even though
they've had to pass many rounds.
The thought is out of their minds
love and effection, child protection
no one feels as safe as a father who's been drinking
and all the child wants is their father resumes thinking.

You know nothing you are just a child
I'm freeing you to grow up wild
I am a man who understands one thing
you are my child and i am your king.
What ever i say you had better obey
or you won't see the light of day.
Threats and mistreatment from my dad whom i love
if only he was fare i would do all of the above.

Runaway far away as fast as i can
i don't carry his gene's i'm not that man.
I will be just and i will be true
i will imprison people that remind me of you.
Having children it's just what everyone does
there is no real answer it's just because.
To be powerful a god to a child
because in life i'm a pussy, and i haven't any style.
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Old 01-18-2010, 05:45 AM   #253 (permalink)
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Default x the next

One time hope falls in your lap
maybe she's the one whom will walk down the isle
or just maybe you will bump into her by accident
in time maybe a while.
Smile at the things that show there faces to you
when your not looking they hit you out of the blue
sometimes putting you on your backside
other times just a thriller of a ride.

coincidence doesn't apply to me
i put it down to destiny.
So no matter how far you run
if it's mean't to be, she will be the one.

Time passes after the breakup, and you move on in your life
all the good times forgotten, only remember the trouble and strife.
You don't hear or see her for a many a year
and then you see people that remind you of her
and the feelings return without the maddness, it's only saddness
and then the shedding of more tears.

How do i feel well i am still in love with her
how is this possible when i left her it was gladness and cheer
I think that love never dies it's stronger than death
it is still with you even after you take your last breath.

That is my final conclusion i will meet up with her again
time is a healer, face to face as and when.
All will not be forgotton though i'm sure that hurdle will be passed
my destiny has been written down to the very last.
Crazy i know you should move forward not backwards
but sometimes its in reverse
that is what spices up your life
it's not over til you crash and burn.
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Old 01-19-2010, 07:49 AM   #254 (permalink)
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Default clock face and hands

The madness within my mind
am i really that unkind
Places that haunt me
people that taunt me
tresspassing in my brain.
nomatter what has gone before
there's something invisible
that delivers pain, and it isn't excusable.

Seeing is believing so theirs no need to explain
maybe if people are interested they may visit you again.
Behind these great walls locked away inside
drugged to your eyeballs and commanded to open wide.
No one wishes to confront this because we are all a little unsure
whether or not we are sane enough, for us their is no cure.
They may find out i have been blagging it for all these years
i could winde up in the cell next to you that is my only fear.
So i pretend that i don't care but i will soon be prepared
for that exclusion while i lose control
nothing is certain not even tomorrow.

Tap into my mind you may hear laughter,
but you wont hear me cry
their are to many wrongs to many disasters
to many people asking why.
Not a lot of people deserve an answer
they will all soon learn to forget
just like a erotic dancer, slippery when wet.

While i'm in here suffering in silence
wishing i was outside in the centre of violence.
Desperate to find a cure, for this made up mental illness
so i can get back to war dancing on a cloud of happiness.
Can't talk can't really think, i'm way to high
giving them the right to take my life, they're all sure i must die.
Judging me on events that have brought me to this end
everyone has turned there backs on me, even my friends.
Though i get visitors for scientific research
and people look in on me, only the perverse.

Money is power, without pride
all goodness, how quick it died.
In the name of progress we stand and salute,
we are all heading for death but first the boot.
Wishing everyone would die around me
or they all wake up and set me free.
What ever the outcome something has got to give
death or a life to live.
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Old 01-20-2010, 09:28 AM   #255 (permalink)
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I'm sorry- in my last post, I was still trying to get used to the forum, and so I didn't see the pagecount indicator. I thought that your first page was your only stuff.
You're later stuff is... quite good.
Quote:
They may find out i have been blagging it for all these years
I don't know what "blagging it" means. It's a bit confusing, but not the end of the world. Just something to think about.

Quote:
just like a erotic dancer, slippery when wet.
This line burns my eyes. Please, please, please change it. It seems to me that it just ruins the serious mood of the piece.

Quote:
Money is power, without pride
all goodness, how quick it died.
In the name of progress we stand and salute,
we are all heading for death but first the boot.
Wishing everyone would die around me
or they all wake up and set me free.
What ever the outcome something has got to give
death or a life to live.
Epic. Just epic. Very good ending.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:24 PM   #256 (permalink)
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Posts: 65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chard View Post
live a little gain a lot
go out and get what you havent got
wether you can buy, wether you cannot
dont say die,dont ever stop

believe in your self, live the dream
dont let them grind you down
if you can,leave! stop clowning around.

everything is possible nothing is denied
see what lifes like on the sunny side
if you can get their, with just a flip of the coin
then what you, staying for you stupid boy.

watch the tv, see other people fulfil there dreams
eat your potatoe chips drinking your gasoline
turn into a slob believing your not bothered
i know your secret its all uncovered.

dont be like your friends ignorant and unashamed
you cant really want to be just the same
when the ladder, falls at your feet climb it to the top
be a breathe of fresh air, lead them by example, dont stop.
That ones pretty decent, and the first one is okay, although the dance floor concept has been used before.
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Old 01-20-2010, 02:26 PM   #257 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chard View Post
The madness within my mind
am i really that unkind
Places that haunt me
people that taunt me
tresspassing in my brain.
nomatter what has gone before
there's something invisible
that delivers pain, and it isn't excusable.

Seeing is believing so theirs no need to explain
maybe if people are interested they may visit you again.
Behind these great walls locked away inside
drugged to your eyeballs and commanded to open wide.
No one wishes to confront this because we are all a little unsure
whether or not we are sane enough, for us their is no cure.
They may find out i have been blagging it for all these years
i could winde up in the cell next to you that is my only fear.
So i pretend that i don't care but i will soon be prepared
for that exclusion while i lose control
nothing is certain not even tomorrow.

Tap into my mind you may hear laughter,
but you wont hear me cry
their are to many wrongs to many disasters
to many people asking why.
Not a lot of people deserve an answer
they will all soon learn to forget
just like a erotic dancer, slippery when wet.

While i'm in here suffering in silence
wishing i was outside in the centre of violence.
Desperate to find a cure, for this made up mental illness
so i can get back to war dancing on a cloud of happiness.
Can't talk can't really think, i'm way to high
giving them the right to take my life, they're all sure i must die.
Judging me on events that have brought me to this end
everyone has turned there backs on me, even my friends.
Though i get visitors for scientific research
and people look in on me, only the perverse.

Money is power, without pride
all goodness, how quick it died.
In the name of progress we stand and salute,
we are all heading for death but first the boot.
Wishing everyone would die around me
or they all wake up and set me free.
What ever the outcome something has got to give
death or a life to live.
Still a bit Cliche but getting better.
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:05 PM   #258 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Default stupid cow

Open up feed from my cup of life my
beautiful wife.
Drink from the fountain every last drop
no more doubt, no one is giving up.
Now is the time to eccept my help
for you will not persuade me
I will not let you hurt yourself
and for that reason alone let it be.

May be your dreams have been shattered
maybe all the truth's have been lies
I don't want you to turn against me
or deny my love, all i can do is try.
You can't do this by yourself
your slowly losing grip of reality
theirs no one here theirs no one else
i am nomatter what, yours willingly.

Remember that when you next try to end your life
you'll be ending mine to
you are part of me now, i wont live without you.
You think i want to put more pressure on you
making you believe that me and you was a bad idea
you couldn't be so far from the truth
i never wished for us, to end up here.

Our little baby has gone, i can't describe how i feel
i can't cope alone, my hurt is to real.
Desperate for an answer which is slowly coming
can't live with this pain, drugs are so mind knumbing.
I am so sorry for not letting you in
i thought i could cope on my own
didn't think about how you must be feeling
i'm breaking up this happy home.

Make sure you know who you are marrying
because this woman is a stranger to me now
selfish and ignorant thinking she's the only one carrying
all i can say is you stupid cow.
I am not in touch with my feminine side
if i was i would understand her,
she just needs you to help her let it all out
not go insane and commit murder.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:00 AM   #259 (permalink)
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Posts: 388
Default who's steering

Old play's worn out no good to man or beast
the cries of the fallen are silenced within a heartbeat.
Fears growing about new technology
what kinds of people will we turn out to be.
Will we still be recognisable
or will we just learn to ignore, the facts that are pushed in our faces
in all peoples towns and places.

Wealth you have to admit, possibilities can be endless
what you can buy under our skies.
Limitless, it's an all new world
a place to get lost in, all you boy's and girls.

No fear no more, all shocks have been repeated
the demons in our live's have all been defeated.
Dreams have been conquered through medical science
nothing stands in the way, no room for the defiance.

Remedies for everything, removing the tail theirs no more sting
living is simpler without a doubt,theres nothing more to shout about.
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Old 02-07-2010, 03:58 PM   #260 (permalink)
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Location: england
Posts: 388
Talking provoked

Open one door and see another one close
with time it forgets, but the sinner will never know.
Into backalley's, and narrow corridors
panting for breath it's to hard to swallow.
A way is clear in which you find
your future is written, you won't be running blind, not this time.

An unatural presence an abnormal shroud
covering you from head to toe, warped and loud.
Things are said, but no thoughts come to mind
I know your looking, but you will never find, it's unkind.
You have been bound, while youv'e been around
and though you have no belief
i stole your soul, it takes one to know one thief.

Tresspass the wealthy, never crap to close to home
no one will see your back safe, you will go it alone.
Never think your untouchable and that you are completely safe,
that will be the one time when you can't afford to fall on your face.
Whether good or bad for it's never good to judge
it's something you can't move conceal or budge.

Feelings and emotions are overated to a degree
the young and bold, lay their lives on the line daily.
for a tin star and in time a carriage clock
brothers i'm here to run amok.
To tell one's truth's as i see fit, aim fire and hit the target.

Friends words fail me in this time of great trial
at eachothers throats, it's just plain vile.
Never listening or learning something new
fighting can be stopped wars can to.
Is it not the people of the land, that have the last word
while polititions deafen our voices, we will never be heard.

Conflicting interests no table not overturned
lies and deciept watch this country burn.
Watching from the shadows from every corner of your mind
you are all pissing in the snow, when you call 999.
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